So I have decided to mix some older movies that literally everyone has seen into my Drunken Movie Reviews and what better way to start than everyone’s favorite turn of the 21st century classic of Meet The Parents. At the low on-demand price of three dollars this one for sure gets the For Sure Re-Watch™ tag right out of the gate.

Let’s jump right into it:

I totally forgot that this movie opened up with Randy Newman’s A Fool in Love. What a timeless song.

Right from that beautiful song to Ben Stiller AKA Gaylord Focker, the most electric name of all time, practicing his proposal while holding an old guys pipe. Classic Ben Stiller. The blonde lead in the movie, I think her name is Pamela, is like the definition of 90’s attractive.

After a quick failed purposal using child labor, Gay Focker is on his way for a weekend with his in-laws where he can ask for permission to marry his daughter. And there he is, Bobby DeNiro, right on time to do a handshake with Pam that could make NBA players jealous. I love that even in his old age Bobby D still brings the heat as a tough guy.

Ugh this fucking cat, Jinxy. When ever someone describes a really well behaved cat they’re basically just describing a dog. Just get a fucking dog.

Oh and here it is, the sexism. Gaylord is already being shit on for being a male nurse. Everyone knows being a nurse is a difficult and demanding job (shout of to nurses). Good for him if he wants to help save lives.

And here is Bobby DeNiro AKA Papa Jack’s nanny spy cam technology. Totally not a weird thing to do. What does he hope to do, catch his 15 year old babysitter blowing her 16 year old boyfriend? That’s child porn Papa Jack, and it is illegal.

Time for the infamous trip to the store for Tom Collins mix where Gaylord gets caught looking at the magazine spread on milking. Really good stuff. Also, Puff the Magic Dragon is for sure about smoking weed. Dragons don’t exist. Game of Thrones is a lie.

Gaylord just spotted Jack making an exchange with an old white man. It seemed very suspect. I for one don’t trust old white man. Ah here it finally is, the breast pump scene. Luckily Gaylord can think on his feet and he plays it off as he used to be a farmer. What a move.

Now Gaylord is being forced to say Grace even though he is of Jewish descent. Nothing like a bit of anti-Semitism to liven up a good family movie. Poor Gaylord doesn’t know what to say, so he just starts making stuff up. And now Gaylord mocks Jacks mothers urn. What a bananas thing to have in your house. Oh yea, this here is my dead burned up mom in a jar. Not fucking weird or anything. And then to read this third grade style poem he wrote for his mom, I forgot how weird this movie gets.

Another simple little lie from Gaylord, accidentally telling a story about how he milked a cat. Who hasn’t lied about milking a cat before? And there it is, Papa Jack asked Gaylord if he could milk him. If I was Gaylord I would have said, “Sure can!” And gotten up and tried to milk the old fuck.

Holy shit, I forgot about Gaylord uncorking the champagne bottle right at Jacks moms urn and smashing it. Then piece of shit Jinxy cat does a big wet piss right in her ashes. Sort of a gangster movie by an otherwise shitty cat. I sort of respect the move.

Ew now Gaylord is referring to his dick as Mr. Winky. So Jack has to politely ask him not to deep dick his daughter in his own house. Sort of a wild move right after Jack gets Gaylord all riled up with his milking request.

Gaylord just spotted Jack’s lie detector test. Shit is about to pop off! Just a few light questions and then right into have you ever watched porn? What kind of person asks someone that? If you haven’t watched a porno you’re a psychopath.

Here comes the big reveal. Jack wasn’t really in the rare flower business, he is a CIA spy hunter. Pretty bad ass job. Here comes all that circle of trust non sense.

Now in search of new clothes, Gaylord gets caught sniffing the underpants of Pam’s stoner brother. Seriously though, how has jack not found out about his drug loving son? That’s just poor parenting. I got caught with drugs all the time growing up, and my parents were not retired and home all the time like Jack. He even catches StonerBrother red handed with the bowl and he still doesn’t pin the blame on him for being a lousy weed head.

Introducing Owen Wilson as Pam’s ex Kevin. Total dickbag right off the bat. He’s wearing this preposterous sweater that looks like it’s made out of sheep’s pubes. Not a good look. You just know Kevin is going to try and cuck Gaylord. He backs him right into a corner with this ‘here’s a swimsuit’ but it’s really a speedo bullshit. Little did he know Gaylord is packing a sausage and some biscuits. Homeboy filled that speedo right up.

And then it’s the spike heard round the world. Gaylord spikes that fucking ball right in Pamela’s sisters face. Honestly I think it was the right move. They kept calling him a pussy for not being good at volleyball. You call me a pussy, I break your daughters nose. That’s just the way the world works.

Gaylord pulls off another power move by flushing the toilet and overflowing the septic. Kevin then spins the tires out like an idiot and shoots actual overflowed toilet shit all over the faces of everyone. It was a real bukake of shit.

In an effort to really power move his way into the family Gaylord starts a fire in the backyard by flicking a cigarette. This was really his only move here. After almost two full days of disrespect he was left with no other choice but to torch the place.

Now left with the task of trying to find recently escaped cat Jinxy, Gaylord hits the streets. Luckily within just 45 seconds he finds a look a like at the pound. After a quick paint job the new cat is ready to go.

The shits about to hit the fan. Gaylord is about to be busted as a cat painter and an overall fraud. All because he wasn’t open about having a dope name like Gaylord Focker. If I didn’t already have a pretty terrific name I would change my name to that immediately.

God this movie feels like it’s taking forever to finish.

So Gaylord gets thrown off the plane for trying to put something where it doesn’t fit, such classic Gaylord. Obviously Jack comes in to interrogate him. Gaylord then realizes it was Jack that had him thrown off the plane. Anyway Jack basically apologizes for the constant belittling and for being a piece of shit to him.

I forgot how fucking long and boring this movie was. And I take back my For Sure Re-Watch™ tag that I slapped on this prematurely. This abomination gets 3.69 stars out of 11. Real dog shit of a movie.