Lots of fun stuff happening lately, so lets just jump right in.

World renowned fatso and high pants champion Chris Christie is now a confirmed close talker:

Of all of his wildly offensive qualities this one might actually be the worst. Sure he closed beaches and then parked his fat ass on one of the closed ones. Sure he closed a bridge to get back at some small town mayor who ate the last pizza roll at a state funded party. Sure he made everyone get nauseous at him ruining a baseball uniform. But this, this stands alone at the top of the piece of shit mountain that is Chris Christies personality traits. I’d rather find out that someone is a Scientologist than a close talker. Seriously the worst.

Apparently some bearded gentleman from Chicago said something rude to him so Chris Christie had to get real close so he could rest his giant gut on the dudes knee while he yelled about his last few months of being important. There is no way Chris Christie gets that close to me and I don’t muster up a sneeze to lob in his big fat face. Judge me all you want, but spitting gets you arrested, sneezes are unpredictable, it’s an accident I swear.

The planet Earth is under fire this week, literally. The soon to be deceased planet is going to be two degrees warmer by the end of the century, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. That should give us at least another two, possibly three weeks of bikini season. Which I think we could truly use in our final years on this absolutely ruined planet. Also, I don’t want to spend my last few years on this doomed planet shoveling snow and slipping in black ice. I’ll enjoy my last few days on a beach sipping frozen daiquiris and watching the water slowly rise.

Professional kneeler Colin Kaepernick (sp?) is on the verge of getting signed by the Baltimore Ravens, a city prided on it’s distrust of law enforcement. Baltimore’s front office is skeptical about the risk of signing him so they had to call in Ray Lewis, who was and probably still is the heart of their organization. I know when I’m making an important career decision I start calling up friends of mine that are one time murder suspects to see what their opinion is.

I for one, hope that OJ gets a job before Colin Kaepernick, at least OJ has respect for the flag.