OJ Simpson Caught Jacking It In Prison Cell: An Investigative Report

oj ok

Everyone’s favorite ex-NFL halfback is back in the news today for pulling at his eel in his jail cell which is I guess not so great. Apparently when in prison even your most basic human right, your right to self-complete is taken away. Who knew?

I sure didn’t. And I guess OJ didn’t know as well. It sure is a shame to see such a well known athlete and actor fall from grace so hard. Sure he got in trouble for kidnapping someone at gunpoint, but we’ve all been there. We all make mistakes. We all act irrationally from time to time. One time when I was waiting tables I kept giving this guy decaf instead of regular coffee because I didn’t feel like making a fresh pot. So we’ve all made mistakes.

Here is a quick look at the hand he used:

oj jack off hand

I think it’s time we let by gones be by gones. Or whatever the expression is. Sure OJ has fucked up in the past, that one time he kidnapped a guy. But besides that what else has he done? People forget that he was in the Naked Gun movies, they primarily focus on that one time he did something bad and kidnapped someone. I’d make a list of all the great things he has done but I don’t want to come off braggadocios on his behalf, it’s just not the kind of guy he is.

Using my journalistic skills I was actually able to get a picture of the incident in question:

oj jacking it

See? Obviously this isn’t a big deal. It’s just an ex-NFL superstar/ Hollywood star trying to occupy his time. If you can get in trouble for masturbating in your own room we’d all be behind bars. Also, how do we know we has definitely masturbating and not just cleaning it? Did someone ask him? Maybe that was soap on his penis.

I’m just saying, this is America, you’re innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around. So what, even if OJ was getting a little pulpy who cares? Who has he ever really hurt anyway?

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