Alright, full disclosure I am not intoxicated off of alcohol at the moment. I did however eat a certain type of gummy bear that may or may not make my thoughts a little bit weird. I can smell colors now. No big deal.

Anyway, I’ve been wanting to watch the Big Mac movie for quite some time now. It’s starring Beetlejuice. It’s just starting now, I hope they talk about how he came up with the Quarter Pounder.

The movie opens up in St. Louis, Missouri, so already I don’t trust it. I don’t trust any city I can’t easily find on a map. Sorry, no offense to the people of that city, but whatever, it’s a rule I’ve always had.

Oh shit, here we go. Michael Keaton AKA Ray Kroc AKA The Big Mac himself, is having trouble finding a quick, good meal. He just sat at a drive up place and waited for twenty minutes for his meal only to get the wrong one. Flash-forward to today and McDonalds can get you the wrong meal in less than five minutes. That’s called upping the production. That’s a business term.

Wait, hold the fucking phone. This guy didn’t even create the McDonalds, he’s selling them his six in one blender. So he’s ordering the food right now, this fucking moron doesn’t know how a take out window works. He’s starring at them like they’ve got two dicks.

The real story of McDonalds is I think these two brothers with learning disabilities mainstreamed the cooking and wrapping food in paper process. Holy shit, so they actually drew out all of the kitchen plans on some tennis court and had their employees pretend to cook and work for six hours.

I’m not really understanding what the hell Ray Kroc is actually bringing to the table. He didn’t create the menu. He didn’t create the golden arches. So far his only big idea has been seeing the greatness in others. What an accomplishment.

Pretty sure this guy just put his house up as collateral for a loan so he can open up another McDonalds. I’m getting a real Zuckerburg/Winklevoss vibe from the three main characters.

So Ray Kroc, like the lunatic he’s proving to be. is going around quality testing and yelling at the owners because the product isn’t up to snuff. Fifty five minutes in and he still hasn’t invented the chicken nugget or the Big Mac and if I’m being honest, it’s really starting to upset me.

Ray is about to steal this Minnesota businessman’s wife. Can’t be mad at that. Especially since it’s the girl from Grandma’s Boy. Total babe still. Now he’s singing a duet with her. He’s for sure going to cuck this guy. Maybe not right now, but for sure in the future was this dude cucked.

Now Ray is broke somehow, even though he has helped open like a million stores now. That’s just gotta be poor money management.

So now Ryan from the Office is pitching him some idea where he owns the land and uses it to fuck with the owners. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying too much attention during this scene. There was a lot going on. Either way, he broke the news to the owners in a pretty shitty way, by kind of rubbing it in their faces there was nothing he could do about it.

And now he’s having late night phone calls with the businessman’s wife. It’s super sexual, they’re absolutely going to bang.

Holy shit, the McDonalds brothers got fucking worked over. They got a million dollars each, but I don’t think they’re going to get future profits of any of the McDonalds.

And holy shit! He ended up with the businessman’s wife after all. Also, the McDonalds brothers got ripped off in a huge way. Cucked big time.

I give this movie 4.69 out of twelve. I deducted a lot of points because they didn’t do a fast-forward to them inventing the Big Mac.