Dirty Dancing: A Remake No One Asked For: A Drunken Movie Review


So tonight was a night I was looking forward too. Sure there is great baseball on television. Sure, there is playoff basketball. But what I was most interested in tonight was the remake of Dirty Dancing.

The Little Miss Sunshine girl is a terrific actress. I’m sure she is incredibly talented, smart, witty, all those great traits.

But in reality, she was fucking terrible as Francis/Baby. What a fucking disappointment, now I know how my dad feels when he thinks about me. Also, the guy who played Johnny Castle had the lowest eye brows on the planet. They were basically in his eye socket, it was a real wild look. This guy had the charisma of a broken vending machine. If Patrick Swayze had one trait it would be his unabashed charisma. If he had two, it would be his unabashed charisma and pancreatic cancer.

Penny was awesome. Nicole Scherzinger can do no wrong in my book. I’ve been a big fan of her since she burst onto the scene as one of the Pussycat Dolls. I’ve one hundred percent rubbed myself absolutely rotten to the thought of her numerous times and I’m sure I’ll be punishing myself to the thought of her in the future as well. Katy Sagal, just like towards the end of Sons of Anarchy absolutely ruined the show with her dumb fucking singing. It just feels so forced and pretentious. As someone who was a huge Peggy Bundy fan, it really bothers me the path her career is taking. I’m positive that she forces into every contract that she has to sing at least two songs and each one has to be eleven minutes long. Absolutely horrible.

Little Miss Sunshine never really learns to dance. Jennifer Grey could really dance, she crushed this role. And her not even having a cameo is absolutely bananas.

Everything about this was so bad. Well except for Scherzinger and the girl from Modern Family. Sara Hyland is pretty great in this. Actually, she should have played Baby. That would have been a million times more realistic. Also the actor playing Johnny probably wouldn’t need back surgery now if the role had gone to Sara.

One of the things I love/loved about this and the original is that one of the major plot points in this is abortions. While rarely talked about in most well loved movies it is a pivotal point in this. If the Harvard dick bag didn’t dump one in Penny none of this would have happened. Baby wouldn’t have borrowed money from her father to pay for the abortion. She never would have received dance lessons. And her life wouldn’t have changed. I wouldn’t be watching this and you wouldn’t be reading this.

The worst and I mean the absolute worst part of this was the end. You might not know this about me but I’m a big fan of love and happy endings. One of the great things about the first one is you don’t know what happens in the future. So you’re able to imagine it anyway you want. I always imagined that Johnny knocked her up immediately, she’d get disowned by her father, and they’d live in squalor together. And that’s how they’d spend the rest of their days, miserable and in love.

Well the writers of this shot for shot remake shit all over that. They flashed forward a dozen or so years to Baby in the theater watching Dirty Dancing, a Broadway play that Johnny choreographed. Their chemistry is still there as they looked into each others eyes. And then boom! Her loser kid comes running down the aisle. And then the camera slowly pans over a ring on her finger. Right on cue her husband comes walking on in shakes Johnny’s hand and then gives them their space. There is no way that Johnny Castle doesn’t cuck Baby’s loser husband.

Anyway, I give this remake a 1.69 out of 11. I’m more than OK with this Baby being left not only in the corner, but in the dumpster along with Penny’s abortion.


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