Sully Sullenberger: Loser on the Hudson: A Drunken Movie Review


So I’m about to watch that movie about that asshole who crashed his plane in the Hudson and then everyone sucked his dick for like three years. Obviously world renowned ass-hat Tom Hanks is gonna star in this movie based off of the botched take off. So anyway, here it is (little spoiler alert, it’s going to be sort of me rambling, because it’s going to be an on going narrative of me watching it).

The movie opens up with Tom Hank’s smug fucking voice. Already not off to a great start.

It starts right off with the crash. Really pissed off it didn’t show him barreling towards the geese like that loser Captain who slammed the Titanic into an iceberg.

OK wait, never mind. It was just some stupid nightmare where he slams into a building. So he’s having nightmares about a plane crashing. So I guess they aren’t going to show the geese scene. That’s really a bummer.

Oh shit, Mike O’Malley!

mike o malley

Do do do do ya have it?! It’s the guy from Nickelodeon Guts! Good for him. I’m sure money is tight around the house. But in all seriousness I would give anything just to hear him send it back over to Mo one last time. Mike O’Malley just called it “multiple bird strikes” and now I can’t stop laughing. He made it sound like the birds launched an attack. Alfred Hitchcock just came in his knickers (just kidding, he’s super dead). Also the mayor from Batman who turns into Two Face is in this and his moustache looks so incredibly ride-able. It’s Tom Selleck-esque. His voice is also really deep, it sounds like he just woke up.

God damn’t. Is this entire movie going to be him dealing with the fall out of him landing the plane on the Hudson and not how he actually did it? It is so very disappointing. I can’t get over how boring this movie is.

So apparently he could have made it back to LaGuardia because the guy from Nickelodeon Guts has Flight Simulator 2009 and he ran the numbers. I too have played Flight Simulator games and I know I could have made it back. In fact, I played that game quite a bit and was exceptional at it. I could even land the big planes on the air craft carrier at night- no big deal though. I’ll yell you what I never did though, and that was hit a bunch of fucking geese.

Oh wait, here comes the flight. I’m pretty pumped they’re actually going to show it. I was super doubtful there for a while.  Holy shit the chanting of “Brace, brace, brace, head down, stay down” was super creepy and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t give me chills.

Michael Rappaport is in the movie, so it’s officially been saved. That guy is absolutely terrific. His documentary on the Knicks was pretty dope- When the Garden was Eden-it’s a definite must watch for any Knicks fan. And now Turtle from Entourage gets a small role- good for him.

So he actually did a really good job of landing the plane and getting everyone off. Now if only he had used his plane horn to scare away the birds- I wouldn’t be suffering through this movie. I refuse to believe that airplanes don’t have horns, you can try and prove me wrong but I won’t listen.

I don’t exactly understand why those two people jumped into the water when everyone else just hung out on the rafts or on the wings. Seems kind of stupid. It was January. Stay dry.

They are doing all the flight simulator tests now and I really can’t pay attention. I just want to get in those simulators and show my stuff Top Gun style.

Were the guys doing the investigation really that big of an asshole? Because this movie really painted them like pricks.

How is there nothing in place to prevent birds from flying into an airplane engine? Like a few metal bars to prevent dumb bird beaks from mangling up the jet engines.

The movie is finally over and I have to be totally honest, it wasn’t AS bad as I thought it was going to be, but it was pretty fucking bad. I give it 3.69 out of a possible 11.

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