Don’t you worry, this is not a “New Year new me” style post. In fact, it’s literally the opposite.

It’s 11:44AM on January 3rd. I just took my first shower of the new year. Not a joke. I’m really that big of a piece of shit. This is also my first sober moment of the new year. I would have been sober earlier but on New Years day everyone chipped in to get a case of champagne. Once that was gone we switched over to vodka and beer. It went downhill pretty quickly after that.

Oh and I created a new drink. It’s Vodka and Champagne. It’s called The Presidential and it’s absolutely terrific. I’m not sure of the ratio, but I’m fairly certain it’s 50/50. Just be careful though, because the hangover it gives you is very fucking real. So real that you need to start the next day off with a pain killer and a bottle of absolutely awful blackberry wine that someone left at your house.

So I’m finally ready to start my New Year right.

Last night was incredibly emotional for me. Not only did my team lose the Rose Bowl, but some girl on the bachelor tried to feed Nick a raw fucking hot dog. If you come at me with a raw hot dog you’d better be getting ready to put on a show. Don’t try and feed me that garbage. I’m not a homeless person (yet), so don’t treat me like one. I think it was that guy from The Wire that said, “If you come at the king with a raw hot dog, you’d best not miss.” And this girl missed wide right, very wide right.

It’s hard to be that mad at the Penn State loss, although I am, because this is how they won so many games this year. By blindly launching the ball down the field and hoping for the best. This time, it didn’t work out so well. Oh well, it’s not the worst thing to happen to Penn State this decade. We’ll be back next year and maybe we won’t get snubbed when playoff selection time rolls around.

The Bachelor was pretty incredible last night. This is my second year watching, so I’m fairly new at it, but boy, are the girls on it this year fucking lunatics.

One girl dressed up like a retarded fish-she got a fucking rose, another lunatic rode a camel in-can’t remember if she got a rose, although I’m sure she did. There were a few really attractive girls, although not nearly as many as last year. Not sure if I just hit it on a good year last year or if this year is kind of a miss. I guess only time will tell. There wasn’t as much crying and fighting as I had hoped for the first episode but whatever, it’s a long year, lots of time left on the clock.

Lot’s of white wine to be drank and lots of tears to be shed, I’m ready for a fun season.