I love Christmas time. I love bright lights, pageantry, gifts, the Christmas Tree, the food, whatever. I seriously fucking love it. Not all Christmas traditions are created equally and that’s especially true for Christmas movies. Also, I’m sort of drunk, so keep that in mind.

5. Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer: Stop motion animation at it’s absolute finest. A lovely tale about a reindeer born with an irregular number of chromosomes. Rudolph, the son of famed Reindeer Donnor, stars in this coming of age tale about deformity, fitting in, and general reindeer life.

The other idiot in the photo is Hermey, I think that’s what his name is, whatever, I’m not about to start fact checking a blog post about Santa. He’s a pretty terrible elf in that he doesn’t want to do any of his elf-ly duties. While this is alright for us in the real world who don’t want to conform with what we’re born into- when you’re given the golden ticket and are born into Santa’s close circle of confidants, you don’t leave to become a fucking dentist. Have some fucking respect.

So Christmas this one year ending up being really foggy. I didn’t know fog could happen during the winter, but whatever, I’m not a weather man. So Santa is all like, “Christmas is fucking ruined, kill the elves, burn down the North Pole, fuck my wife.” And Donner comes by and is like, “Wait, hold up Santa, I’ve got this tardo deer kid with a light bulb for a nose, he can blast though the fog easy peasy.” And just like that Christmas was saved and your father was able to get that fleshlight he asked Santa for.

4. Any Telling of The Scrooge Story: They are basically all the same but with different graphics. The story of an old salty dick bag named Scrooge. He runs some kind of shop. I honestly can’t remember what they sell, but by the looks of it they sell candles and old doorknobs. The movie or story or whatever opens up with him being upset that he has to pay his employee for Christmas even though they aren’t open. We’re supposed to feel bad for the employee in this scene. I don’t. Let me explain.

Being a small business owner is a tough gig. And normally, you’ve got really small margins to earn a profit. What would this lazy employee prefer, not having a job? I don’t get paid for all the books I don’t sell, so that’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. Anyway, they show this old piece of shit how different his life would be if he wasn’t such a cocksucker, and he changes and becomes a much better person.

3. The Santa Clause: Tim Fucking Allen. That’s really all I should need to say about it, but I’ll continue. The movie is about a corporate big wig (sort of) named Tim Allen. I can’t think of what his name is in the movie, but we’re just going to refer to him as Tim Allen. Anyway, so Tim Allen startles Santa Claus, who was just going his job of delivering toys and shit, and Santa falls off of Tim Allen’s roof and fucking dies. If this was a horror movie, that would be the end. But it isn’t and this isn’t.

So Tim Allen takes over as Santa and he finds the Christmas spirit he has been missing all along. Oh and his kid starts to love him again, after not loving him because he’s a jerk all the time. Or at least that’s what we’re supposed to believe. I don’t know, from my point of view Tim is just trying to deal with a failing marriage and a boss that requires 110 percent of his time. Either way, the Tool Man becomes like the best Santa ever. What a world.

2. Home Alone: Everyone’s favorite tale of bad parenting and burglary. So Kevin McCallister, the kid who got fucked by Michael Jackson, is completely forgotten about by the worlds worst parents. I understand that going on vacation is a stressful thing to do, but still, count your fucking kids. Or maybe don’t have fifteen children. Learn how to pull out and blast one across Mrs. McCallister’s dumb face.

So two local dirt bag thieves break in and try and murder/rape/rob this extremely large house. Uh oh, not so fast, someone is home, the youngest kid is still there. So much like any man should, rather than run away, he bunkers down and protects his house. With weapons like marbles, hot irons, nails, some kind of black paint substance that can hide nails, shovels, paint cans, and torches, this little kid is absolutely unstoppable.

So his shitty mother finally decides she should go back for her son. But all the rental cars are taken and all of the planes are solid booked. So she has to get on the BangBus with The Kenosha Kickers. They all run train on her pretty hard (they don’t show this part, but I know it’s true because when she gets back to her house her hair is an absolute mess). She finally gets home and realizes how shitty of a parent she is and she promises she’s never going to forget him again. But she does like two or three more fucking times.

1.National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: I seriously watch this movie a few times a year and it is absolutely flawless. Randy Quaid, who plays Cousin Eddie might be the greatest character of all time. He’s dumber than shit, dresses like some kind of trailer park super-villain, and at one point, believes when Clark mentions the radio saying that Santa has been spotted (“You serious Clark?” might be one of the greatest lines in movie history).

So this is truly the story of how you can plan, plan, plan for a holiday event with your family and everything can and will normally just go right to shit. Your father in law is going to be sort of an asswipe, someone is going to start a fire, the lights on the house are going to be fucked up, and whatever food you cook is going to be dry as shit (“Save the neck for me Clark”- seriously, Eddie with these one liners.)

So the movie takes a real turn for the worse when Clark finds out he won’t be getting his regularly scheduled Christmas bonus from Bill Murray’s brother (yes, that Bill Murray, it’s really his brother- look it up). This is beyond devastating to Clark, who lives beyond his means and needs the money for a pool he already put a down payment on. Why does he need this pool so bad, you ask, well judging by his dreams it’s so he can fuck young girls in red bathing suits. So, Cousin Eddie, decides he’s going to kidnap the boss and try and get Clark’s bonus for him. Typical Cousin Eddie the hero.

So the police find out and totally lose their shit. They basically call the National Guard to come in and destroy all the windows. They surround everyone weapons drawn and Bill Murray’s brother’s wife walks through the door and is like, “That’s him, that’s the lunatic that stole my husband” or something like that. So his wife finds out he junked the Christmas bonuses and she freaks out. Bill Murray’s brother reinstates the bonus then adds some percentage on top of it. Christmas is saved and Clark can get the pool to fuck underage girls in. And the movie ends just like that, with Mrs. Griswald firmly gripping her husbands crank in front of family and the police.

Merry Christmas.

And honorable mention goes to the worst fucking Christmas movie of all time, A Christmas Story. I wish that kid died of complications from the eye injury his father said would happen. Worst movie ever. And fuck TBS for airing that shit 24 hours.