I just watched a video on Facebook about some lady who spent a few hundred dollars to save a 23 pound lobster and return it to the wild. All of the comments were praising this woman for saving the lobster from death. Scientists are saying the lobster could be some where near 100 years old.

Seriously, what the fuck? Everyone knows the best part of the lobster are it’s claws. Look at the size of those things. You’d need a bucket of butter to dip those bad boys.

Also, how do you know this lobster isn’t some piece of shit? He’s just gonna go back down to the ocean floor and start bullying Sebastian, Flounder, and probably Ariel if he can get his gigantic claws on her. They were all so glad to see him go, and what did this piece of shit do? She bought him and sent him back. Imagine if someone captured Hitler and then decided, “hey, uhh let’s just send him back.” Just imagine.

That last argument was sort of bogus, but whatever, I’ve got a lot more left in the old hate tank.

Lobsters are basically water scorpions/spiders. I’m pretty sure they come from the same sort of insect family or whatever. Imagine if this thing was living on land… It would get smashed with a giant hammer real quick. That thing could kill a fucking baby. A baby! Imagine you and your little toddler or whatever are walking down the street, just hanging out. And out of nowhere BAM! Some giant fucking lobster clips her head clean off. Now you’ve got a dead kid on your hands and you’re probably going to have a real tough time explaining this one to the police.

Hasn’t this lobster lived a full enough life? All that you’ve done is deprive me from eating what could have been the biggest lobster roll of all time.

And for that you’ve earned yourself a big: