The creator of the Big Mac is dead at age 98. I will be starting a Go Fund Me to pay for the autopsy, because I’m obviously suspecting foul play. Does the Burger King or Wendy have an alibi? Where was the Colonel on the day of November 28th?

Jim Delligatti of Pennsylvania was one of the first to own a McDonalds franchise. He thought to himself, “How can I make this already unhealthy greasy cheeseburger even more unhealthy and even more greasy?” I’m sure he experimented with lots of different salad dressings before landing on Thousand Island. Oil and vinegar was probably first. That obviously tasted like dog shit. Bleu Cheese? Probably not too bad, but like many geniuses he kept going.

Ranch Dressing? Not one hundred percent sure if it existed back then, but if it did I’m sure he tried it. And I’m sure it was pretty delicious. But like I said before, geniuses don’t stop until their work is perfect.

Then, with a stroke of genius he grabbed a bottle of Thousand Island. And like the hero that he is he just started dumping it all over the burger. And as the legend has it far too much came out. Rather than start all over again he just grabbed another piece of bread and sopped it all up and tossed it on the sandwich along with another burger. The rest is history. Greasy, artery clogging history.

And this just in:

The creator of General Tsos has also died… at the age of 98. Chef Peng Chang-kuei the esteemed creator of one of my favorite food dishes is fucking dead. Totally deadzo.

Now, I’m not really big on conspiracies but what are the odds of two of my favorite food creators dying the same week? Someone is making a play here. Who is it though? The Burger King? Wendy? The Colonel? Is there someone else? Who am I missing here?

With so many unanswered questions I turn to you, the internet. Help me find out who is responsible for these deaths so that their souls may rest peacefully.