When I wake up. Yea, you know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the one that wakes up next to you. When I get drunk. When I get drunk. Yea, you know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the one that gets drunk next to you. When I haiver, whatever that means, you know I’m gonna be the one that’s haivering with you. Duh dun duh, duh dun duh, duh dun duh, duh dun duh, dun diddle dun duh dun diddle dun duh duh duh duh.

Now that that’s in your head like it’s in mine, we can get started. Also, I’m sure I got most of the lyrics wrong, but whatever, that’s how I hear it in my head.

I hope you were able to make it past my incoherent babble, because here comes a real chestnut.

Everyone knows that Samsung is facing some huge problems right now, and one of them is how to market their phones as being safe. Well they need to hire me because I just solved that problem for them. They just need to change who their phones are marketed too. Like in this case their phones are being marketed to regular people; fathers and mothers. Teachers and students. Regular every day mother fuckers.

My plan is to change that. Start marketing to people who could capitalize on their phones exploding. In a changing world that is growing more and more shitty by the day one thing remains true: people are killing other people. And while it might not be at a record pace, these people are really trying their hardest. I know, this sounds absolutely terrible, but Samsung, have you thought about marketing your phone to terrorists? Imagine how much money these terrorists would save if they could stop paying bomb makers and just spend that money on a three hundred dollar phone that just randomly explodes. The marketing campaign basically writes itself. I’m sure they could even buy the phones in bulk, think about the savings!

Everyone has wanted to do this at one point or another. For me it’s when I order an actual shit ton of chicken nuggets and they are only willing to give me two sweet and sour sauces. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sauce guy, I’m all about the sauce. I’m also a heavy dipper, so give me the sauce I ask for. Or even worse, when I’m in the mood for some variety and I ask for one of each sauce- give me one of each sauce. Sometimes I like to try new things, experiment with new flavors. Who the fuck do you think you are to deprive me of that?

We both know that each chicken nugget costs like one third of a penny to make. The most expensive part of the equation is the package and bag my sweet nuggets come in, so please, let me have my sauce.