Here comes a phone update, so formatting, spelling, and grammar can fuck right off.

No one is as sick as I am right now. Ever. No one on the planet has ever been this sick. My stomach hurts pretty bad, probably worse than anyone’s stomach has ever hurt. And my allergies are bad. Also probably worse than anyone’s ever. So the fact that I’m still able to sit here and write is pretty impressive. I don’t use the word hero often, but let’s just say not all heroes wear capes. Some of them just write blogs.

I just got done throwing up in my lagoon for what feels like the millionth time in a row. Some people say that’s gross and that I should do it in the toilet like a human. To those people I say come here and clean up after me. I’m a violent puker. It makes a goddamn mess. I’m not about to add that to the list of shit I need to do but probably won’t. Also, I was already outside, so it made sense. And it feeds the fish and crabs. So you’re welcome fishies and crabies, enjoy whatever the fuck I ate yesterday.

One thing this stomach bug has taught me is that praying actually works sometimes. Just the other day I was praying that I would lose weight without dieting or exercising. Short of catching HIV from Dooley, this seemed pretty unreasonable. And here I am now, down at least ten pounds without having done anything besides yell into my lagoon and toilet.

Like most people in America right now I’m absolutely obsessed with Ken Bone. The dude has 37 tweets and over 165k followers. That’s more than most of those wonderful ass models that I definitely don’t follow across social media. Fucking Snoop D O double G himself even invited him to come over and some weed with him. Although in true Snoop fashion he told him he’s have to put on a blue sweater instead. Big ups to you Snoop for keeping it real.