All dating advice should be taken with a grain of salt… and followed with some tequila and lime. I haven’t been part of a healthy relationship in a solid few years, so what the fuck do I know? But I’m happy, or as happy as someone like me can be.

 

I want to start off by saying this is about no one in particular. I promise if you are reading this, this is not about you.

 

If you keep posting online or talking about how you want to be in a relationship you’re never going to find a good one. Nothing helps when you are looking for a significant other. Nothing. Except maybe stop looking. That could help. Hear me out.

 

Go look for a quarter. Like actively look for a quarter. And not inside a purse or a change jar, asshole. Just start looking outside your house for a quarter. It’s going to take a long fucking time before you find one. And if you do find one it will probably belong to someone else. A wise man once said looking for a significant other is like looking for a parking space, even when you think you’ve found a good one it’s either taken or handicap.

 

And that’s just a parking space and a quarter; imagine how hard it is to find a person you’re not only compatible with, but who is also is willing to touch your most personal of areas. Nearly fucking impossible.

 

Just go out and live. Do whatever you were going to do. You’re eventually going stumble across a quarter. Whether it is at the bar, the grocery store, outside the movie theater, whatever, you’re going to find that quarter.

 

I don’t know or this advice could be shit. I drink a lot, so what the fuck do I know?

 

Now that were on the topic of advice, what other advice could I give? I’m pretty average in the bedroom, although I do try hard and I’m willing to eat that peach, but I’m not about to give advice on it. I’m really good at drinking. Yea, I’ll give drinking advice.

 

Most people when they go shopping for booze struggle to find the right size bottle. Well look no further than this article on advice for whatever word diarrhea that is about to come out.

 

A serving size is a bottle. It doesn’t matter what size bottle you get. That’s the serving size. A bottle should never last you more than a day. Once a bottle of liquor is opened you have roughly twenty four hours before its spoiled. And you don’t want booze to spoil. You wouldn’t open a beer and expect it to last for more than a few minutes, let alone over twenty four hours.

 

If you’re having trouble finishing that bottle of liquor here are some helpful steps to remedy the situation.

 

• Don’t be a pussy, just finish it. Or call me over and I’ll finish it for you. Also make sure you have food too. I probably haven’t eaten that day.
• Invite a friend over to help you if I’m not available. They should be able to help you finish the bottle before it spoils. And fuck it, who knows, maybe you’ll get laid out of it. That’s always a plus.
• Give it to the homeless. There are sober homeless people everywhere. Sleeping outside is no time to be sober. Maybe next time you buy a bottle grab an extra one for the guy who sleeps on the park bench you pass on your way to work. I promise, he won’t let his spoil.

 

That’s some pretty solid advice I’m giving you for free, so if you want to want to grab me some booze while you’re picking some up for the homeless guy, that would be nice.

 

So far I’ve covered dating advice and booze. What else am I an expert on? I’m pretty good at fingering, but no one has gotten or given fingering advice since seventh grade, so I think we’ll just skip that.

 

This feels like a nice spot to end, right after fingering.

 

I hope you have a terrific day. And pre-order my new book, Love and Violence if you haven’t yet.

 

Thank you.