Let’s just for one second think about how preposterous it is that people who aren’t professional food writers take time out of their day to not get paid to write two thousand words about a restaurant on Facebook. While we’re at it, lets think about how preposterous it is that people put literally any kind of value on these long drawn out reviews.

What a world we live in.

Here is an example of a good food review:

“Food was great. All fresh ingredients prepared well. Will definitely be back.”

Or

“Everything tasted like it was frozen. Did not enjoy.”

Now, here is an example of a not good food review:

“My husband Bryce and I looked forward all week to dining out, as he recently finished battling adult acne and he was finally feeling comfortable leaving the house again. The day was warm and the skies were clear, there was the laughter of children in the air-which we didn’t exactly love, as we were hoping for a night out without the kids.

I was in the mood for shrimp parmigiana, but they didn’t have any, even though there was a fried shrimp option on the menu and there was a children’s spaghetti option, so they probably could have made it work. Lazy maybe???

My husband ordered the steak au poivre between medium rare and medium and the steak came out just a touch more on the medium side. The pieces of peppercorn were not really strewn about the sauce evenly.

I ordered the salmon with a garlic caper butter and the sauce served on-top of it was unimaginative and just lacked a certain, je ne sais quoi.

We didn’t stay for dessert because Bryce’s mouth was on fire from the few pieces of peppercorn that were obviously not broken down enough. Not sure if we will back. Our waitress had some hand tattoos as well. Did NOT enjoy that, what if our children saw it?”

Now while you read that and think, “well that one is preposterous”, spend enough time perusing Facebook, and you will surely find a review or two on that level.

Now listen, I love Anthony Bourdain just as much as the next guy, but YOU ARE NOT HIM. Absolutely no one cares about your day or wants to read you waxing poetic about how the corn on the cob reminds you of your boyfriend in the summer of 96.

Imagine if someone showed up at your boring data entry job and wrote a review on your profession, a profession they know nothing about. “The way Carol entered in this quarters numbers was boring, lazy and fell totally flat. The way she hit the space bar five times instead of the tab key once was unimaginative and out of touch.”

Taco Bell has fucked my order up a million times, and still, I eat Taco Bell. And why? Because maybe next time will be better. And that’s what America was built on, hope that next time might be a little better, maybe.

So next time you’re gonna leave a 1500 word diatribe about your local mom and pop restaurant on Facebook, don’t. Literally do anything else. Paint a picture. Read a book. Ride a bike blindfolded. I don’t care, and nobody else does either.