Since the Great Quarantine of 2020 has begun I’ve had lots of time to pick up some new hobbies. And since I can’t afford to pay my electric bill or my rent anymore, I have had plenty of time to stare up at the stars. And let me tell you, the stars, they speak to me. Like directly to me. They even call me by my name. So after a few nights of staring into the abyss and hearing the winds whisper, “Scotchsquatch, Scotchsquatch.” I decided to finally pay attention. Here is what the stars told me.

Aquarius: The lucky water bearer. This is your week if you’re an Aquarius, everything is coming up your name. If you have an opportunity to make any large bets, you should absolutely do it. Even if you have to get creative to get the original funds. Now isn’t the worst time to get a reverse mortgage. Is that stimulus check burning a hole in your pocket? Why not take that to an online casino? Play some roulette. If you put that $1200 on a random number, and it hits, which it will because this is your week Aquariuses, you will win $42,000! Once that hits, and it will, because it’s your week, maybe you’ll want to do it again. That measly $42,000 turns into a whopping $1,470,000. Celebrity Aquarius: Lesbian pop star Ed Sheeran.

Pisces: The slippery fish. Now is time to exit whatever relationship you are in. I don’t care how good it is. The stars don’t care how good it is either, I promise. Did your significant other do something to really piss you off last month? Now is the time to bring that back up. Have you been considering that maybe you don’t really want to move to the suburbs after all or have children? Now is the time to bring that up. Maybe do it in front of people. You are a Pisces after all, you love being around people. Whats the worst argument you two had? Did you like the way it ended? If not, re-hash it, I bet it goes better this time. Celebrity Pisces: Female basketball sensation Steph Curry.

Aries: The big ram. Now, I know that you are basically perfect, but there are some small things you should do. Treat yourself and purchase a low flow toilet. Sure the toilet will have trouble horking down your big shits, but now the tip of your penis won’t get so water logged from sitting in the water while you poo. Or maybe have the front of your underpants tailored and taken out a few inches, the stars said you could probably use some more room. Celebrity Aries: Connor McGregor’s older brother Ewan.

Taurus: The horny bull. I know you’ve got a crush on someone. We all do. Now is the time to take to move. Sure, your significant other probably won’t love you doing this, but listen, it’s your time to shine baby! If you really want to be brazen send an unsolicited nude to some of your co-workers. See who bites. Maybe Tara the receptionist is lonely enough to want to break a piece off. Or maybe Jeff the bartender finally hit rock bottom and that awkward angled picture of your hooters is going to make him to stop looking at you like a friend and start looking at you like a slam pal. Celebrity Taurus: Known ass-wipe Adolph Hitler.

Gemini: The terrible twins. Listen, some weeks just aren’t your weeks. That’s a fact of life, the stars told me so. Pack it in. Call it a week. Everyone is probably mad at you over something that you said on that Zoom chat last week. Remember what you said? You didn’t think it was a big deal. It was. And you’re probably going to lose a few friends over it. Hey you know what though, there is always next week. Maybe you won’t be such a piece of shit this time around. Celebrity Gemini: Star of the movie White Girls Iggy Azalea.

Cancer: The ocean’s crab. Sometimes when the water gets a little too hot it’s not always a bad thing. Sometime’s it even boils. And then you sit in the boiling water for a while. Like 12 to 14 minutes. And then after that you have to get your shell broken. That’s probably gonna hurt. But then, you get the flesh pulled from the inside of you and you get dunked in hot butter and that’s kinda nice. Next week will be a fresh start, unfortunately you will still be a crab. Celebrity cancer (and fellow crab): Sebastian from the Little Mermaid.

Leo: The trustworthy lion. Everyone trusts you, and for good reason, you’ve been great at keeping secrets your entire life. You have dirt on everyone you know. You could potentially fuck up a lot of lives. But you’d never do anything with that information. But mayyyyybbbeeee this weekend you will drink a little too much white wine or Fire Ball you will think about all the times you’ve been wronged by these people. And all the pressure they put on you by treating you like a therapist. Maybe it’s time to take those secrets public. If you’re famous and people care about you I highly suggest writing a tell all book. But if you’re just a regular old loser, just write it up as a Facebook status. Make sure you do it in the middle of the night though so you can tag everyone in it. That way everyone has a chance to see it before people start un-tagging themselves. Celebrity Leo: The dirty dancer himself Patrick Swayze.

Virgo: The lonely maiden. Do you like cats? Not the musical either, the pet. The one with whiskers and a ‘holier than thou’ attitude. They like to shit in boxes filled with scented sand. I can’t believe I have to explain cats to you guys. Picture a dog, but not as fun. Got it? Great. Either way you should go out and buy a few. More than four. Love isn’t for everyone. Maybe your soul mate was about to approach you and then you farted. Or maybe it wasn’t even a fart but you just smelled real bad that day. Honestly, what are the odds of you even meeting your soul mate? There are 7.5 billion people on earth. Maybe it’s time to try settling. You have my email. Celebrity Virgo: Conga line veteran Gloria Estefan.

Libra: The sturdy scale. Listen, I get it. The gyms are closed. Every restaurant delivers now. Booze can get delivered. You’ve been wearing nothing but sweatpants and hoodies for the past 50 or so days. Maybe you’ve had Applebees two for $20 for lunch two days in a row. Be OK with it. It’s OK to be fat. We don’t fat shame around here. Being fat has a ton of bonuses. Especially if you lean into it a little. Have you ever had cake as an appetizer before your meal? Let me tell you, it’s a revelation. Start adding a few meals to your day. Early dinner. Late dinner. Pre-breakfast. The options are unlimited. Have cupcakes for dinner. Celebrity Libra: Batman’s younger brother Lil Wayne.

Scorpio: The pinchy scorpion. You do so many zany funny things. You poke fun, and play jokes. It’s the best. Except for it isn’t. Leave people alone. No one wants to have fun with you. You’re probably the kind of person that thinks people want to talk on the phone instead of text. No body likes that you do that. It’s never too late to change your personality. I once had a friend who changed his personality at 14 and made himself absolutely insufferable to be around. Just do that, but the other way. Celebrity scorpio: Computer jockey Bill Gates.

Sagittarius: The accurate archer. You’ve hit the mark your whole life. You’ve checked all the boxes, filled in every line, but things still haven’t really gone your way. Well, now it’s time to shoot for the stars and land somewhere completely different. Get up right now. Pack your bags. And just walk out of the house. Abandon your family. You can do better this time. I mean, if we’re being honest you really can’t do any worse. Just get up, put your phone down, and walk right out the door. Don’t say anything to anyone. Leave your phone too, they can track that. Celebrity sagittarius: Popular name announcer DJ Khaled.

Capricorn: The unusual Sea-Goat. Hey, some people are just weird. And that’s fine. The world needs weirdos and crazies too. It’s what keeps things interesting. Despite what you may hear people saying about you, we all really appreciate you. I love that you like to go to My Little Pony conventions and you get a boner every time you hear a balloon pop. It’s part of what makes you so great. Capricorn celebrity: the thankfully healthy Kim Jung Un.

I honestly can’t believe how many fucking zodiac symbols there are. But I’ll keep doing this, as long as the wind and stars whisper my name.