The Morons Guide To Being Quarantined

These are wild times we’re living in. And let’s all be frank here, judging by the social media posts I’ve seen all weekend, a lot of you are really fucking stupid. As Italy’s body count rises like my plate of meatballs at my Nana’s house, did people seek shelter and avoid other people? Did they practice social distancing? They sure didn’t.

As the fireworks exploded high above Cinderella’s castle thousands and thousands of people from all over this judgement impaired nation stood in a crowd, packed like sardines literally coughing and sneezing the Corona virus back and forth and back and forth.


I’m sure by the time this blog hits the internet that number is going to be much higher than 19. And while I’m sure the degenerates who were partying down there will be fine, but you know who won’t be? Their grandparents that they go to visit with their hands out when they realize that they spent two months of food money on Molly and Keystone Ice, or whatever the fuck kids are doing these days.

This my friends, is less than ideal. As these people traveled back to their trailer parks and jobs they not only brought back big dumb Mickey Mouse ears with their names misspelled on it but there is a decent chance one of them brought back the Corona virus. This, once again my friends, is far less than ideal.

So as far as I’m concerned, this bad boy virus has been passed around like a bong at a house party. So I’m doing my part, by staying the fuck inside and only leaving the house to go on walks or to fuck off in my backyard.

As the self-proclaimed king of fucking off, I’ve got some tips for keeping occupied in the house all day.

Try and learn something new every day. Yesterday I learned my neighbor can see me when I piss in my backyard. I thought he couldn’t see me in my little cove. I was wrong. Today I learned that I cannot judge half a cup of milk by just eying it when I ended up with milkaroni and cheese in a bowl. It was like soup. I dumped it in my lagoon for the fishies and crabbies to eat.

Start a new hobby. I began making balloon animals. And without being a braggard, I’ve gotten pretty good. Here’s a cat I just made.


Coin flipping. I know it sounds stupid but listen up. If you gamble on sports like I do, I know you’re struggling at this time too. Grab a quarter and call over whoever you are quarantined with and give them 2 to 1 odds on coin tosses. Coin tosses are 50/50, so they’d be a fool to not take 2 to 1 odds. Sure, there’s a 50 percent chance you could lose a lot of money. But, and it’s a big but, there’s a 50 percent chance you could win a little bit of money.

Maybe you don’t have any coins. And maybe you’re not lucky enough to live in a house that just always has balloons in it. Start a challenge. There are hundreds and probably even thousands of challenges you can start while being quarantined. My new favorite is the sock challenge. You know how you have all of these single socks, that don’t match other socks? Well this new challenge takes care of that problem. With the sock a day challenge you’ve got to eat one of those socks every day, until they’re all gone. I personally have eaten six socks so far. Only about five more to go until I’m done. The thing about shitting cotton that’s kinda fun, is your poops practically wipe themselves. Practically.

Listen, there are a million ways to waste time. Whether it’s reading a book or watching the same dumb movie for the 1,000th time, just do it. Stay in your house. Watch the movie. Read the book. Play a game. Masturbate until you’ve got arms like Popeye and you walk with a limp. Anything, and I repeat anything, is better than going out and spreading this virus. Being alive is awesome. I like it more and more every day.

Wash your fucking hands. If you don’t know how long to wash your hands for sing this song and use this graphic to help:

Stay safe friends.

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