It’s that special time of year again where it’s normal to see people in the streets walking around who look like they passed out in an ash tray.

I grew up having to wait in line for an hour so some priest can smudge my perfect little forehead with the ashes of burnt boys underpants- or whatever they used. And let me tell you, I loved it. I wish I was still allowed in churches so I could get it done today. But I’m not. Mostly because I make horrifying jokes like the one you just read. May god have mercy on my soul.

Anyway.

This year I decided I’m going to give up jerking off righty. This is kind of a big deal for me, as it’s the only way I know how to do it. While I’m pretty good with my left hand for other things (sup ladies) I’m dog shit at jerking off lefty. I know this because on my 21st birthday I got second degree burns all over my right hand by leaning on a heat lamp. My hand had to be wrapped up for a few weeks, leaving me to have to wipe and jerk off lefty.

I’ll be honest, I was very bad at both of those things. Luckily my roommate was super accommodating and he told me he would help me with either one, but not both- so I had to choose- wiping or jerking off wiping or jerking off… So while it wasn’t ideal it was better than nothing. And let me tell you, it’s so incredibly hard wiping lefty. I had to take a shower after almost every shit. His hand-jobs were fantastic though.