Baseball Player Arrested For Rubbing One Out

Blue Jays catcher Reese McGuire was just arrested for jerking off in a Florida parking lot IN his car. Which is by far the least offensive thing someone has done in a South Florida parking lot.

But I know I speak for literally everyone when I say, since WHEN is that illegal? Since when can we not masturbate in our vehicles?

How soft is this once great country getting now that a man can’t even pleasure himself in the comforts of his Ford Explorer? I’ll tell you what, this is absolutely not the kind of country George Washington and our founding daddies dreamt up when they penned their dirty little break up letter to the queen. This is not why Benjamin Martin slaughtered all those red coats with a hatchet 240 some odd years ago.

Quick question;

Was there even a sign? I see signs all the time.

No Idling.

No Loitering.

No Solicitation.

But never, not once in my life have I seen a no jerking off sign. Had he seen a sign, maybe like this, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation:


If Reese McGuire had seen this sign, he maybe wouldn’t have tried to get his Reese’s Pieces all over his dashboard. Maybe.

You’re in your car. That’s like being on your own property, you should be able to pretty much do whatever you want as long as other people can’t see you. Sure they might see the car shaking a bit, especially if he’s long stroking it, but still, they probably aren’t going to see the penis, which is the big thing. As long as there are no extra eyes directly on the penis, I say no harm no foul.

I mean, for gods sakes, this is a 24 year old kid we’re talking about. Do you remember how horny you were at 24? There wasn’t a place I didn’t jerk off back in those days.

I’ll be starting a petition in the coming days to try and get a Presidential pardon for this American Hero. Just because something is illegal now, doesn’t meant it will still be in 20 years. If I’m right, which I usually am, we will be looking back at this dark period in American history, where a tax paying man wasn’t allowed to jerk off in the comforts of his own vehicle.

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