So I sat down with some friends to watch the new Elton John movie and almost immediately a bomb was dropped on me. So let’s get that out of the way real quick.

I was having a conversation with my one friend who just knows a lot about a ton of random shit.

Me: “I love Candle in the Wind, are they gonna have a whole Princess Diana scene where she dies and he writes the song for her?”

TheFriend: “Dude, he wrote that song like twenty something years before she died. He wrote it for Marilyn Monroe.”

I immediately lost my shit. As someone who is a huge, and I mean huge Princess Diana guy, I was heartbroken that this song that I thought was written for the beautiful Lady Di, was written for the chick the Kennedy’s used to dump loads in. Sure Marilyn was super talented, not having a gag reflex is for sure a talent (one of the best talents you could have in my opinion), but that song is way too beautiful for her. Elvis should have written a song for Marilyn Monroe. I think he could have shoved a verse for her in Hunka Hunka Burning Love. I mean, she did have chlamydia after all.

Anyway, let’s get to the movie.

First of all, Elton John was not that hot. Not even in the 70’s, and not even on his best looking day. Elton John always looked a touch inbred to me. Not a lot. But just a touch. Just enough.

I mean, come on. At least get someone who sort of looks like him. They at least gave the kid who played Freddie Mercury Steve Harvey teeth. This dude from the Kingsman movies, which I love, doesn’t look or sound anything like Sir Elton John. He just looks like a hot English dude who can sing slightly better than I can.

Also, and I’d hate to spoil it, but it’s been out long enough that it shouldn’t matter. Turns out Elton John was gay the whole time.

This movie was mediocre at best, which sucks because I love Elton John. But not in the way Elton John loves that creepy Scottish guy.