After watching the Mueller Report live on TV this week with it muted while porn blasted in the background, I feel like I now know how these investigations should go. And I’m going to come at these blogs much more aggressively, like the porn I was listening to the other day. Real rough stuff folks. Anyway, now to the pressing matter at hand.

I don’t think Stevie Wonder is actually blind.

I realize that’s a wild accusation to make. But I read somewhere on Reddit this week that he once caught a falling microphone that the older lesbian from the Beatles knocked over:

Sure maybe the catch wasn’t all that clean, but how did he even know it was falling? Clear as day, you see the microphone get bumped and Stevie reaches right out for it… LIKE HE SAW IT COMING.

I mean, do I even need anymore proof than this video right here? No, I don’t think so. But I’ll keep going with a few more examples.

The one glaring example that I’m just going to hit real quick is that what are the odds that in a 100 year period there are two blind piano stars? As a degenerate gambler even I wouldn’t take those odds. I honestly think what happened is he saw Sir Ray Charles and was like, well fuck, I’m only decent at piano and yelling, but if I was blind people will like me.

Stevie Wonder has nine different children from five different women. Quick question Stevie: How’d you fuck so many times as a blind guy? I miss the hole all the time and I can see pretty well. If I was blind I would have stubbed my dick until it broke. And I choose not to believe that Stevie Wonder is better than me in bed, blindo or not.

And his facial hair. Has there ever been a more obvious display of someone trying to convince everyone that they are blind than this wrap around mustache?

What the fuck is this? I don’t want to be too crude, this is a family website after all, but that’s a pussy on his face right? Like, that’s a vagina with teeth.

Here after twenty seconds of microsoft paint I was able to complete the transformation.

Jesus Christ.

I’ll be honest, that picture was hard to post, lets just move on.

Quick question for you folks out there in internet land. How many blind people list photography as a hobby? Probably not a lot, right?

Here we have our hero in a tasty velour track suit. Taking a picture of something. Does he know what he’s taking a picture of? He sure does. Because he can see with his eyes. Just like us.

You know what would be fun to go to with your eyes closed? A basketball game.

Listening at home, sure, I totally get that. There is a play by play guy and a commentator and it’s not that bad. In person it’s just crowd noise, people yelling on the court, and the announcer saying who just scored a point. If I ran the stadium I’d put him right behind a big fucking post and be like, “Here ya go Stevie, front row just like you paid for.” And I’d watch him stare at it for three hours while trying to keep this blind masquerade thing going for a few more paychecks until he retires somewhere and shaves off his preposterous hair.

Speaking of that hair, he sort of looks like Predator:

Just cementing the fact that he goes out of his way to make himself look like he can’t see what he looks like.

In summation, I think that Stevie Wonder can see, probably.