Aunt Becky Is Going To Prison

I’ll be honest, this entire Aunt Becky scandal has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. First I went from wanting to break her out of prison, to being indifferent and all the way to being sort of turned on and intrigued by it.

You see I’ve been a big time Aunt Becky guy since back in the days of her open mouth kissing John Stamos on Full House (haaaveeee mercy). So naturally I want the best for her and originally I thought that would be breaking her out of prison so her and I could go on an international sex romp while we avoid the long arm of the law and any unwanted pregnancies that would surely arise.

I’ll be honest, my brain is moving a mile a minute just thinking of how I can spin this into a positive. Maybe another Full House spin off and not that dog shit Fuller House shit.

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It’s just got a ring to it. Big House.

🎵🎵What ever happen to predictability, the prison guard, the rapist, Aunt Becky back on TV… When you’re lost out there, in a cell alone, and you just got traded for a cellular phonnnneeee doop-a-dee-ba-ba-dow 🎵🎵

That show would get one billion views, especially if it was on HBO or PornHub. If I was Elon Musk that’s the kind of shit I’d be investing in. Not all this green technology bullshit.

Honestly though, there is no doubt in my mind Aunt Becky excels in prison, just like she’s excelled in everything else in her life (except for bribery, she’s not so great at bribery). Within a few weeks she’d for sure be the top bitch in prison. I’ve heard in preparation for prison she has begun changing her look. The Hollywood Reporter was the first to release her updated photo.

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That doesn’t look like the kind of chick who gets traded for a pack of smokes. This looks like the kind of chick that’s about to cut a bitch for taking the last Caesar salad dressing. I don’t know, in my mind that’s what people fight about in women’s prisons.

Aunt Becky can literally do anything. People forget that she left her television hosting job so her loser husband could record an album in his home studio. And then, I think she even worked for him when he was gifted the famed Smash Club. Uncle Jesse, a genius business wizard, quickly turned this ultra popular bar/nightclub into an alcohol free hangout where ultra popular bands would come and play to 17 sober people, 11 of whom were related to him. Eventually she went back to her television hosting gig, her true calling. Maybe she could do that from prison. She could do an interview show. Sort of like Jerry Seinfeld’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. She could do like, Prisoners In Transport Buses Getting Life Sentences:

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“So, tell me about what inspired you to kill your kids in the bath tub?”

I’m sure she could feign interest in these people at least as good as Jerry if not better.

Either way, I think prison is going to be a great look for Aunt Becky.

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