Guy Who Commutes From Jersey to NYC via paddle-board: Hero or Dipshit? An Investigative Report


So the question buzzing around the internet right is whether this guy is awesome for commuting to work this way or a total idiot. There are few things I love more than judging people. So this sort of debate is right in my wheel house. Let’s go.

It’s a bold move, for so many reasons. Let’s start off with what if you fall off? Do you have a change of clothes in your man purse? What if that gets wet too? Then you’ll smell like the Hudson river, which smells like cold piss that passed through a curry scented onion. And there is no way Cheryl from accounting is going to let you take her to see Third Eye Blind 4th of July weekend if you’re smelling like that. She’s gonna fuck Rick again from accounts receivable, and then spend all weekend telling you about what an asshole he is while you rub her back and wonder if she’s as turned on as you are. She’s not.

I’m a pretty bad judge of distance, but the Hudson river has to be miles wide. Who has the time to paddle-board a few miles? Are you waking up for work three hours early? Are you an idiot? Is your home life really that bad that you’d like to extend your work day by like five or six hours? Is your family that bad to be around?

What do you do with the paddle-board once you’ve made it back to land? Do you just carry it around like an asshole bumping into people all day? I just did a Google search to try and find a picture of someone carrying a paddle-board around the city to make a few jokes about it, but I couldn’t find any. Imagine something being so preposterous that you couldn’t find any pictures of it online? It’s bananas.

Imagine just how insufferable this guy is to be around. Think about the dude who rides his bike to work. How he brags about how great he feels saving the environment and all of the physical benefits. Imagine that times like a million? Absolutely un-bearable.

That settles it, the paddle-boarder is a piece of shit.

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