“Money Can’t Buy You Happiness”: An Investigative Report

This is the age of dumb colloquialisms. Whether it’s the cliche “If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” that every girl with an STD scare posts on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter or some dumb gym hardo with some quote that feels like something you’d read on the back of a No Fear t-shirt in the mid 90’s, the world is full of dumb people with even dumber sayings.

While I don’t have the time or patience to break down all of the dumb sayings, I do have the time and patience to break down this one, let’s go:

Money can’t buy you happiness

money plus time


Well writing it out didn’t help as much as I thought it would. In fact, that took me ten minutes. Mostly because I was distracted, but whatever, ten minutes is ten minutes.

Lets look at what money can do:

Image result for fancy car

Money can buy you fancy cars. And while I’m not personally a car guy, who wouldn’t want this Lamborgini sitting in their driveway? 14 thousand ponies screaming under the hood, four wheels all touching the floor, top down, seat reclined slightly too far back, maybe some Limp Bisket playing… Just thinking about revving the engine on this Ferraris is giving me goose bumpies.

Image result for fancy vacation

Money can take you to fancy places, like the one is this picture. Now while I’m not exactly certain where that is, I can tell you one thing… The people there are certainly happier than the people in Detroit. Well, not the people who are living there, most people who live in vacation countries are extremely impoverished, but I’m sure the people vacationing there are happy. How could they not be happy with a pool that nice they get to piss in?

Adult Red Coat British Captain Costume

Money can buy you fancy clothes. No more buying shirts in four packs when you can afford fancy boy outfits like this. And you know who loves fancy boys?

Image result for anne hathaway

That’s right, Anne Hathaway. As some of you might know, Anne Hathaway is my ultimate celebrity crush. I honestly feel like the only thing keeping us apart is the fact that A. we have never met, and B. by her standards I’m super poor. I’ve got a decent pipe and I’m super funny, so don’t say there is more than that keeping us apart, because when you think about it, there really isn’t.

Image result for kenny powers jet ski

Money can also get you a jet ski or a boat. Those are like the two happiest things on the planet.

Image result for blowjob gesture

I’ll just leave this picture here, no explanation necessary. Let’s just say it’s hard to not smile when you’re getting your dick sucked. Let’s just leave it at that. No explanation necessary.

Also, having money means you get to have the best friends possible. Like right now, I’m not great on money, so all my friends are dog shit. But if I were rich, I could have the best possible friends. Like these guys.


That pretty much sums it up. You can say money won’t buy you happiness all you want, but when presented with the option to spend your day crying on a boat or crying in a trailer, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna pick boat every damn time.


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