Does Signing Up For The Gym Mean I Can Now Give Fitness Advice? Yes. Yes, It Does.

So today I took a huge step. And then another huge step. And then about 75 more huge steps. Listen, I take a lot of huge steps, it’s part of being so tall. Anyway, I signed up for the gym today.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not in great shape. Sure I’m in good shape. But I could afford to lose 5-7 pounds to really get my body summer ready. So I took a step in the right direction and went out and had a big hearty breakfast this morning with my younger sister. And then right after that I signed up for the gym. They gave me a questionnaire to fill out. Just some basic information. I took it very seriously.


Honestly though I signed up for the gym to lose some weight. I’ve packed on the pounds a bit since high school. That’s just what happens when you drink too much, don’t watch what you eat, and routinely sleep for three hours a night. That sort of lifestyle really takes a toll on your body. Trust me, I used to have the body of, I don’t know, somebody really sexy, like Paul Giamatti. But you know what happens, you get a little older and you develop drinking problems and life just gets away from you. And I’m glad I told the truth on how committed I am. I mean, if we’re being honest I’ve never committed more than a “1” to anything in my entire life.


Page two was a real breaking point for me filling out this questionnaire as it was when I admitted publicly that I am indeed super lazy. It’s something I’ve been coming to grips with over the last 30 or so years. It’s just, I’m incredibly good at laying around and doing nothing. Some people get restless and feel the need to get out and do something. Nope. Not me. Put me on a couch with some beers, a television and I’ll be just fine. Also, I think I may have lied, my diet might actually be less than ideal. Unless “not ideal” is eating taco bell at 1am multiple nights and a bagel three times a week for breakfast. Honestly though, maybe I just don’t know what the word ‘ideal’ means.

So now that I’m practically a fitness expert I’m going to be starting personal training. For $1500 dollars a session I will get you into peak physical condition if you’re a guy. If you’re a hot lady, who just wants to get more toned, I’ve got a great work out we can do at my house that is a full body work out. It’s called cleaning my entire house. There are clothes all over my floor and beer cans everywhere. Also my dishes need to be cleaned and I’m super backed up on laundry. And maybe when you’re done with that we could fuck real quick. I don’t know though, I guess we’ll see what happens.


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