I’ll be totally honest, I was way too hyped about these coming out because there is a Taco Bell so close to my house I could walk there if I wasn’t incredibly lazy and didn’t have a car. Also, I eat Taco Bell at least once every few days. It’s how I stay so incredibly svelte. Honestly though I just hate having solid poops.

So I went there at 10:30 in the morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed hoping to get them as fresh as they can be because that’s when they switch from breakfast to lunch. Normally I wouldn’t be out of bed by then but I drank a bottle of scotch the night before and my body woke me up at 6:30am because my heart was beating like a kick drum. It was one of those hangovers where you can feel your heart beat in your temples.

I ordered my new go to, a Chicken Chalupa meal with extra cheese and I added on the nacho fries. Also a frozen Baja blast because fuck it, I’m worth it. So I raced home, hoping to hit the one light in between my house and Taco Bell so I can save the few minutes and have the food still be perfectly hot. I pulled up to the light as soon as it hit yellow and slammed on the gas, blasting through the light. It was an extreme test of will power not eating them on the ride but I had too much respect for the product to just haphazardly throw them down my throat.

So I got home and opened up the bag and let me tell you, for sure not what it looked like in commercials.

Seriously, compare that to the picture on the top. It’s not even the same package. I think I counted 14 fries. I didn’t even ask for a small. I literally said, “Hey can I have the fries from the commercial, with the cheese and shit.” And she laughed and said, “Yea sure.” They appear to be coated in some type of Dorito or Cheeto dusting.

They’re cold, which isn’t ideal for a French fry. And they have a weird softness to them. This fry broke in half from the weight of me holding it up for the eleven seconds it took to take this picture. My first bite was cheese-less, because cheese can fix anything. And let me tell you boy, not good. Not good at all. It has a very vague nacho cheese flavor. The flavor dusting on it is absolute garbage. The fry itself, like I said before is cold and soft, which are the two worst adjectives you can use to describe a fry.

This fry is so bad cheese can’t even fix it. So like any rational 30 year old I started yelling at the fries. Telling them how disappointed I was in them. How much they’ve let me down. That’s when I caught one of the fries trying to drown another fry in cheese after he read my harsh criticisms.

That’s when I thought to myself, don’t let these potatoes die in vain. You love potatoes. So I began thinking, what can I do to fix these, because the cheese just isn’t enough. That’s when it happened. The fire sauce rose in the air like a phoenix rising from the ashes of the French fry flavor dusting.

And just like that, I was able to get past the weak flavor dusting, the coldness and the softness. Not really though as I was only able to eat like three more fries before I gave up and threw them out.

I give this a 2.69 out of 11. Would not eat again. Unless drunk. Then probably would eat again.

If you have trouble reading number grades because you’re an idiot, I’ve devised another grading system. This one a bit more visual: