I love the world of online dating. It’s a real hodge-podge of people awkwardly humble bragging, slight hints of racism, and of course my favorite- people with delusional expectations.

Hand up, this is going to be super mean because I’m sort of hungover and I want to write mean things to make myself feel better. Judge all you want, but we’ve all done it.

First of all, having grammatical errors in your dating profile is unforgivable. It literally spell checks for you. This also might be the worlds longest run on sentence. Although this isn’t surprising, she seems exactly like the kind of women who just ignores periods (ayyyooo). Anyway, lets get started. This blonde bombshell is pretty particular. She likes hunting and fishing- obviously, I mean, can’t you picture her just dunking her hand in a river and pulling fish right out? I respect that she doesn’t like married men, what an honorable lady. All this profile is missing is some racis… oh wait there it is. She is unwilling to date outside of her race. Which at first you might think is racist, but as I hinted at earlier, I’m pretty sure this woman isn’t of the human species. I think she is what happened when Dog The Bounty Hunter got drunk in the woods and molested a black bear. 9 months later, this lovely thing was born.

First off, big fan of this guys ears. The only thing better than ear gauging is when it goes horribly wrong. And it can’t go more wrong then having your ears look like blown of vaginas. So he tattoos-  on an amateur level I’m sure. He builds cars, pretty cool. And he cooks! What a dream boat! Also, he fucks on the first date, sort of cool I guess. He doesn’t like condoms, that’s a weird thing to say on a dating website. Alright, he loves pussy- what straight guy doesn’t? Aaaand he doesn’t pull out. Whaaaat the fuckkkkk? How can you not wear condoms and not have a strong pull out game? Imagine being on a first date and just being like, “uh hey, hope you’re enjoying your Arby’s Roast beef sandwich, I can’t believe they wouldn’t let me use my employee discount on your meal too. Anyway, I’m not wearing a condom tonight. Am I gonna pull out? Nah girl, I’m gonna dump it in you…” Also, ending it with a Talladega Nights Ricky Bobby quote in a non-ironic way, absolutely bananas.

If you want someone to support you and handle your body right you’re looking for a forklift, not a man. Let’s keep it moving.

I love the excuse- I’m not fat, I just look fat. I use that excuse all the time. “Sup ladies, I know that right now, in person, I look sort of fat, but trust me, I’m not. It’s just the way I look. I feel like a male model, so please, treat me like one.” That works every single time. Then she dives right into her height and weight. I mean she’s only 40 pounds overweight, that’s just a little overweight, it’s certainly not fat. And if you don’t believe that do the math, ashole. So she’s not fat, she promises, even though she looks that way, she wants you to be at least 6 feet tall, and have a health body. Not sure what a health body is. Is 40 pounds overweight a health body? I have no idea and I guess I’ll never know. Oh and she has no job. Also, I don’t know what FWB is, and I refuse to look it up.

I don’t know where to begin on this one. The gentle red afro, the non-logo long sleeve with the arms rolled up, the bracelet, or maybe the fact that he knows that he is just OK looking. But none of that really matters because what an electric profession. Not only is he an artist but he is also an inventor. What did he invent you ask? The wheel? Probably not. The slip and slide? I doubt it. The rotary engine? Mmmmmm maybe. The gloryhole? I’m almost positive. It takes both an inventor and an artist to create something as beautiful as a gloryhole. This guy deserves a beautiful Asian more than anyone else I’ve ever encountered. Also, there is no way this picture is from this decade, right?

Shout out to the Reddit for bringing these wonderful people to my attention.