So Easter has passed and that means one thing. And no, it’s not that Jesus has risen, it’s that all of that delicious Easter Candy is now on sale for crazy cheap. Allow this to be your guide as to how to spend that last ten dollars of yours wisely. Here’s my top five Easter Candy Power Rankings:
These might be my least favorite of all the Easter candies yet I still find myself eating an entire package while sitting in my Grandma’s living room waiting for her to give me an Easter card with 10 dollars in it. These consist of recycled marshmallows and glassy shrapnel like sugar. They’re chewy in a weird fun way.
I like to see how many I can get down before wishing I was dead. I usually tap out around five or six- or as people in the Peep bizz call it, “an entire package”. You’re going to want to have a drink nearby as well because the after taste on these really isn’t that great. To be honest I don’t know why I continue to eat these.
4. Solid Chocolate Easter Bunny
Just plain on regular chocolate. Don’t waste your time with those lame hollow bunnies, those are for the birds. You’ve got to get yourself a nice thick, solid chocolate bunny. I recommend Hershey or Dove as they are the gold standard when it comes to cheap Walmart chocolate.
Little life pro tip, melt this bastard down with some heavy cream or butter in a little bowl over some boiling water and dip some strawberries and bananas in it. The ladies go wild for chocolate covered anything. Maybe dip a tomato too just to be weird. People forget that tomatoes are a fruit, not a vegetable.
3. Cadbury Caramel Egg
I was caught at a real crossroad between naming this number three and number two. But since this one gets caramel all over my shirt and face every time I eat it, I had to deduct some points. Nobody wants a caramel facial just as the Easter festivities are getting started. That’s not good for anyone.
2. Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg
Absolutely delicious. I could eat about a eight of these before I start to feel sick. And even then I’ll still knock down five more. It’s chocolate, it’s fluffy peanut butter, it’s really a little taste of heaven. I would not want to live in a world where these flavors don’t exist. I’m not going to say you should kill yourself if you’re allergic to peanut butter, but I definitely would.
1. Mini Cadbury Crème Eggs
This is the gold standard for Easter candy. And don’t try and tell me the full sized one’s are better, because you’re wildly incorrect. Much like with the full sized caramel eggs, the full sized crème eggs burst all over your face when you try and bite it. These nice mini ones pop right in your mouth as you’re able to toss them down whole.
Use this list as your guide to the promise land. And by promise land I mean doctors office because if you eat everything on this list you will become diabetic and you’ll probably lose a toe or two.