This is going to be my magnum opus of Tony Romo insults.
I swear to God, Tony Romo could fuck up a wet dream. Whether it was fucking up a basic extra point that would have made his team advance in the playoffs or throwing a last second interception to end a playoff run, Tony Romo truly stands alone as the king of eating dick when it matters the most. Somehow he managed to have one of the highest 4th quarter passer ratings in the NFL all while being the least clutch person alive.
And if I’m being honest, I’m going to absolutely miss him.
As a lifelong Giants fan, Tony Romo was a gift from the very beginning. First of all, his name rhymes with a homophobic slur, which is pretty incredible. Between that, the moron look on his face and his gigantic round ears, he was off to an electric start. Tony Romo brought together everyone who wasn’t a Dallas fan from the NFC East and he gave us all something to laugh at.
Let’s take a look at some Tony Romo highlights:
September 12, 2011, ten years and one day after 9/11 (never forget), Tony Romo throws down the performance of a lifetime. He put up 340+ yards, two touchdowns aaaand then he fumbled the ball at the goal line with a few seconds left before throwing a pick to Revis Island.
December 7, 2008, 67 years to the day after the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor Tony Romo drops a bomb of his own to the tune of a 44 point passer rating while going 19 for 36 with three picks and three sacks. That game culminated in Romo throwing a pick six to lose the game. Yet another notch in the Tony Romo belt of disappointment.
December 15, 2013, Romo put up an impressive 500+ yards and threw for five touchdowns during a wild shoot out with Packers back up Matt Flynn. This was Romo’s masterpiece as he had a passer rating of +100 right up until he threw the game losing interception. This was his Mona Lisa of fuck ups.
January 6, 2007, the day that Romo ended The Big Tuna’s coaching career- the day Romo fucked up holding an extra point. He started the year as a backup, and back then the second string QB was the one who held the ball, a position that has since gone to the punter. All that he had to do was hold the ball and the Cowboys advance past the Seahawks in the playoffs. This is what happened:
He then picked the ball up and with this confused look on his face he made a break for the endzone. He was stopped almost immediately by a linebacker or defensive end. I remember watching it and crying from laughing as John Madden proclaimed for the world to hear that “There is nothing automatic in football”- even though like 98 percent of field goals are made.
Sure Tony Romo made millions of dollars playing a sport he pretended to understand, but what is going to be really interesting is seeing how he screws up the second part of his football career. Word on the street is he is going to be replacing Phil Simms as resident concussion specialist on CBS. Now I like Phil Simms just as much as every other Giants fan. I also know just how boring of an announcer he is. Tony Romo promises to be wildly exciting because he at least has a proven track record of being an absolute failure.
Jerry Jones must be absolutely thrilled since he just gave Romo $55 million dollars in guaranteed money in 2013. The last time someone burned that much football money was when Vince McMahon started the XFL.
I’d like to end this blog with some of Romo’s most memorable moments:
Thank you for all the laughs over the last few years Tony, I can’t wait to see how you find a way to hurt yourself as a broadcaster. I assume there will be some kind of tooth injury from you accidentally biting the microphone.