It turns out this about six years old, but holy shit. It might be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Obviously they took out all the “fucks” and replaced them with “fudges” and took out all the “bitches” and replaced them with hard “B’s”. They did however keep all of the murder scenes and drug references. Not that they had much of a choice, if you take those two elements out of Scarface it’s like a thirty second movie about some guy arriving in America from Cuba.
This made me wonder, what other classic movies should absolutely become children’s theater remakes because I’m sure parents are sick and tired of seeing the same bullshit plays every year.
Shawshank Redemption- I would love to see a child play Andy Dufresne and subsequently crawl through a mountain of shit.
Armageddon- I don’t know, just a great all around movie. I truly believe Harry Stamper is one of the most underrated movie characters of all time. He’s manly yet caring. He seems like a real block head but also he’s really smart. And most importantly, he’s the king of drilling. Also I’d want a child’s band on the side of the stage playing that Aerosmith song, I don’t want to close my eyyyeeesssss.
Boogie Nights- I’m just going to leave this one here and not talk about it, I’m not trying to end up on some kind of list. And I’m not looking for a fun new way of introducing myself, so moving on.
ConAir- Another absolute classic. Great plot, amazing characters, and lots of action. Also, it would be wild to watch a bunch of kids act like the worst people on the planet. Also the ending scenes would be absolutely glorious.
I mean the list could truly go on forever, but it won’t. In fact, it’s going to end. Right here.