Let’s start with the night before Thanksgiving, as this is a very important holiday as well.

Even though you now see these people every year you’re going to need to get ready for the same old conversations. That one funny thing that happened in high school. That teacher you both had that was a total dick bag. And the usual question of: So what are you up to these days? If you’re smart you’ll have some kind of speech planned. It’ll make over-exaggerating about what you’ve accomplished much easier.

It’s also the only day of the year when backsliding is not only allowable, but encouraged. Backsliding is when you sleep with someone from your past. It could be someone you had a few classes with in high school but never really talked to. Or it could be someone you had sex with when you were 16 and you want to show them that you can definitely last longer than ten minutes now. You’ve even picked up a move or two.

Your friends are going to tell you that it’s a bad idea and that you can do better, but don’t listen to them. It’s going to be a real throwback trying to escape from someone’s house when their parents are not only home but wide awake. Best of luck to you.

Now, you’ve made it home and you’re showered and ready for Thanksgiving. Let’s get you through that too.

First things first you’re going to want to pick a seat. If your family is anything like mine for some reason the seats are assigned. You’re going to need to completely ignore this. You need a seat that isn’t blocked in so you can get up and down as many times as possible. This isn’t for bathroom breaks and it’s definitely not so you can help clear the table. It’s so you can go to where the wine is and sneak a few chugs whenever your nerves begin getting the best of you.

Whether you know it or not everyone is keeping track of how much you’re drinking. Your Grandma might be deep in conversation but she is well aware that you’re on your sixth glass of wine before the turkeys been carved. Grandma sees everything and she’s going to be a bitch about it. She’s going to tell you that your drinking is why you look bloated and sometimes sweat too much. Ignore her. You’re beautiful just the way you are.

You’re also going to want to choose who sits next to you. Everyone else is going to pay attention to those stupid cards with peoples name on them. So you should get to work quickly. You do not want to sit next to your drunk Uncle. He’s going to bring way too much negative attention your way.

And you’re not going to want to pick an old relative because they are going to ask you questions about you getting a real job and finally doing something with your life. You also don’t want to pick a relative your age. They’re going to want to get drunk as well. And if you’re next to each other you’re going to get drunk and loud.

You’re going to want to pick your youngest relative that doesn’t need help cutting up food. The more drunk you get the more fun you’re going to have talking about little kid things. Also, when it’s time to play with toys they’re going to come running to you to play, so that’s a definite plus.

This Thanksgiving is going to be riddled with election talk so you’re doing yourself a favor by sitting at the children’s table. Everyone is upset about something and if you’re like me, you really don’t give a shit. They’re going to try and bait you into conversation with words like ‘corruption’ and ‘racism’ and ‘forced sex’ but just keep your mouth shut and nod your head. The last thing you want is your grandfather to get all worked up and call you and the rest of the men born after the 1930’s pussies.

So if you’ve made it past all of the political conversations and no one noticed the giant red stain on your lips and tongue, congrats. You’re better than I am and you deserve some praise. Now get back to your local bar, the party is still going on at least a few more nights. Maybe you’ll get to fuck that person that was way too hot to talk to you in high school. They’ve had a rough year or two so splurge for an expensive glass of wine or some top shelf tequila and they’re all yours.