I love the fourth of July. It’s an incredibly gluttonous holiday and I am a lover of gluttony in all forms (drinking, drugs, and food). Also, America is great, so we should celebrate.

I celebrated the only way that I know how, by going on an absolute bender the past six days. This led to some incredibly hungover mornings. Mornings that I would have preferred to spend in quiet. Mornings that I spent yelling curses into my pillow because karma is a very real thing. My childhood was spent outside being loud and causing havoc. So karma has awarded me with the worlds loudest children living just a few houses down the lagoon. It’s amazing how well the sound of revving jet skis and children screaming travels over water. I’m not sure what crazy kind of science makes that possible but it can go fuck off.

I’m deep into my third round of editing for my new book and it’s driving me mad. Reading the same lines over and over again. Redoing the same paragraphs over and over again trying to make them as close to perfect as I can get it. Hopefully it will all be worth it and this book will sell pretty well. If not, I don’t know, I guess I’ll start writing children’s stories. I feel like that could be extremely easy. I could just sit around and get stoned to the gills and make up stories about talking avocados and ranch dressing with feelings.

The other day I tried those Burger King Mac and Cheetos and holy shit are they terrific. It tastes just as cheesy and greasy as you think they are going too, and it’s perfect. Absolutely perfect. I think I had them on day four of the bender for lunch before my friends and I hopped back on the wagon. They might be cheesy going in, but they are incredibly spicy coming out. I give them four stars, one thumb up, a smiley face, and six stars. Fuck you.

I’m watching Action Bronson’s Fuck That’s Delicious and now I’m starving. Time to go eat something.

Love you