ScotchSquatch

I’ll be honest, this one hurt pretty bad. It’s hard for me to not picture myself on that cover…

Although, I would have dressed up a little nicer. I wouldn’t have worn a bathing suit or whatever the fuck that thing is.

Anyway.

Let’s take a look at what Taylor accomplished compared to what I’ve accomplished.

Taylor went on a world record breaking tour.

OK…

I ran a Panera Bread Instagram with zero permission to do so. And I tricked half the town into following it while I posted blurry pictures and made up employees (shout out my man Mike Dollop). It also got picked up by some local radio stations and the news.

Round 1, I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m the clear winner.

Taylor gave bonuses to people who worked on her tour. Wow, pretty big of someone who made a billion dollars to throw some peanuts down to the common man.

How did I help the common man?

Well, I tried to sell my idiot friend’s car for him. It took me days of preparation to pull that off. How long did it take Taylor to write a check? 30 seconds maybe? I doubt she even wrote it.

Round 2, looks like another clear victory for the Squatch.

Taylor Swift started dating NFL player Travis Kelce.

I’m not currently bangin’ an NFL player, so I guess she wins this round.

Taylor Swift didn’t place in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4th.

Whereas I’ve eaten at least three dogs a month all year long. Try putting on that kind of pace, Taylor.

Another round for your boy.

I could honestly go for days. But I won’t.

So it looks like I’m the clear winner in this battle, but the “media” doesn’t seem to want to recognize any of my accomplishments.

More accomplishments by me:

• I maintained great hair, almost all year long, shout out to my barber Mario
• Hardly did any online bullying. Like barely any
• Held the door open at Wawa while it was windy and pretty cold, and I didn’t make a big deal about it even though the lady walked super slow and I didn’t have a jacket on
• Unclogged four different toilets (and one of them multiple times)

I bet Taylor didn’t unclog any toilets. I bet she’s got a person she pays who’s sole job is just to unclog her toilets.

Taylor Swift now gets to join the growing group of people who have won this honor. People like FDR, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King, Rudolph Giuliani (not the reindeer- the person), Adolf Hitler, and Joseph Stalin.

Maybe next year.