[COUGH COUGH] Ahem, back in my day, Facebook was for tagging your friends in pictures of them ripping beer bongs and making out at parties. Now, as I’ve officially entered the middle of my 30’s, my news feed is mostly baby pictures, and sure, I’m partially to blame for that (shout out to my cute nieces and nephews). I used to really miss the old days back when I exclusively used my Facebook feed for showcasing my weirdness.

One night in particular, it was a running catalog of my thoughts on mushrooms. That Facebook is long gone, although every now and then I do put a stoned thought up there, to which my mother will call almost every time and say, “Oh my god Stephen, how fucking high are you?”

Very high mom, very high.

Now that the debauchery has been wiped off my Facebook feed, it has been replaced by a cast of characters I wouldn’t trade for the world.

Let’s start with everyone’s favorite Aunt, the one who signs their names at the end of comments.

“Stephen, you and your friends look so handsome! Love, Aunt Sarah!”

Thanks Aunt Sarah for commenting on a picture of my friends and I from 2013, now they’re all going to get notified that you scrolled back in my pictures for thirty five minutes. Or commenting on a picture from me in New Orleans from 2014 with, “Hope you’re having fun! Love Aunt Sarah!” I did have fun. Eight years ago I had a blast there. If you’re old enough to have survived it, this is the same Aunt who would send you Farmville requests all fucking day long.

I’m not watering your garden, Aunt Sarah. I do not care about your corn.

Next we’ve all got a person or two in our lives who is probably a little older- who thinks Facebook gives a fuck whether or not you give them permission to do whatever it is Facebook is already doing. FACEBOOK DOES NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION TO PRINT AND SHARE MY PHOTOS OR MESSAGES. When you signed up for Facebook two years ago you scrolled through some tiny words- which when summed up pretty much give Facebook permission to sell your first born to the Taliban if they need the money.

Next up though, might be one of my favorite people not only on Facebook, but on the internet.

Prepare yourself, this one is going to be a little darker than the last one. Every time someone on Facebook posts about losing someone close to them- someone will inevitably comment something along the lines of, “Oh damn I knew that guy-we had homeroom together in 2003. What happened?”

What kind of response are you hoping for?

“Oh cool glad you knew my brother way back when- yea he got pancaked by a garbage truck walking home from the titty bar at 4am, thank you for asking.”

What happens to you in your life, that you think that is an appropriate question to ask? They look like they’ve put on a few pounds too- maybe you should ask if they’re pregnant while you’re at it- you fucking lunatic. I swear to God, not much makes me laugh harder than finding that totally ignored comment in a thread. I am not even exaggerating I will scroll through a 125 comment thread just to find the idiot who asks that question so I can investigate their life a little bit more. Like what are they expecting, “Oh I didn’t realize my cousin gave you a handjob at camp 25 years ago. But yea, she got eaten to death by coyotes while glamping at Joshua Tree.”

Absolute insanity.

Speaking of insanity. I love. And I mean I LOVE, anyone who has “done their own research.”

We had classes together in high school, I watched as you struggled to take apart a piece of owl shit to look for bones, and you want me to believe that you researched your own information on a virus? What part of you thinks anyone believes you did anything but hop on Google and type in your opinion- only to browse for a few seconds before coming to the conclusion that you are indeed correct.

I don’t care which side of the argument you were on- if you claimed to have done any of your own research I want a picture of you in a fucking lab coat looking down a microscope.

I also love when people have joint Facebook accounts Like, KarlNJess Doughtry. Like what did you do to lose social media privileges in your relationship? I think it’s such a funny way of being publicly shamed for whatever creep thing you were probably doing.

There are a ton more people on Facebook who I think deserve to be brought to light- so there will be a part 2. So leave a comment on whatever social media service that’s currently selling your information to Russian spies- and let me know who your favorite social media characters are.