Top Gun II is here and my jeans couldn’t get any tighter

The new trailer for Top Gun came out and I’ll be honest, I’m rock hard. I’ve been waiting for a Top Gun II since the moment after I watched the original for the first time as a child.

I honestly only have one wish, and that’s for there to be a scene like there was in that movie Ghost. But I want Maverick to be touching the curves of a new jet as the ghost of Goose gets real close right behind him as he breathes on the small of his neck. Maverick will turn his head to see what’s behind him and he’ll feel the weight of Goose’s hands on his shoulders as Unchained Melody starts playing.

Sorry about that, having a very horny day and the trailer for this movie didn’t help one bit.

Anyway, the movie picks up with Maverick, sexy 5’3 Maverick, and he’s been a fighter pilot for the past oh I don’t know 45 years or so. And that he should be at least a Two Star Admiral by now, which I’m pretty sure is super high, but he turned down all of the promotions because he likes being a Captain. Captain Maverick.

Maverick looks like he used that new Face App that ages you however many years and sells your pictures to the Russians. Still hot though.

The trailer looks fantastic though. Looks like there’s a piano scene, a shower confrontation, and a motorcycle, all of the great things the original had. My only hope is that they wheel Kelly McGillis out so Maverick can pump another one in her during the worlds most boring sex scene. Who wants to see missionary position in a sex scene? Honestly who has sex facing the other person anymore anyway? What year is it? 2002?

You know what would be super funny? Here I’ll tell you. Imagine if what they showed us in the trailer was just a dream? And Maverick is an overweight American Airlines pilot who flies the LA to Vegas route every day and tries to pick up drunk girls on their way home with stories of his career as a fighter pilot. And then he goes home to Goose’s wife (now his wife) and it’s Meg Ryan in a great big fat suit. So Maverick finds out that the Top Gun school is going to close due to lack of funding. And he is devastated because that was clearly the best time of his life. So he finds out just how much money the school needs to stay open.

Cut to: him walking home from work one night because he couldn’t find his car in the airport parking lot again and he sees a sign that says karaoke contest: prize [the exact amount of money it would cost to keep Top Gun open]. Excited, he runs through the door and signs up at the last second.

Now the screen goes black and his voice rings out with the lyrics to You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling. The crowd swoons as all the women slide off their chairs and all the men cheer him on.

Maverick obviously wins the karaoke contest and brings the check to Top Gun just as they’re about to shut down.

That’s the Top Gun II I want to see.

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