There are a million dating sites out there. And none of them give you even the smallest inkling of advice as to how to go about the first date. That’s like a coach telling you the pitcher has one really bad pitch that you can easily hit, but not telling you what that pitch is. And also maybe blind folding you and pinching your nipple real hard before you walk out. I don’t know, whatever. Let’s just get to my sure fire rules of first dates.

Rule 1: Always be on time. To most people being on time is a sign that you respect them. It also shows your ability to plan ahead. Most importantly it shows that you’ve got good timing. This will help later when you plead your case for not wanting to wear a condom.

Rule 2: Try not to pull your penis out. I mean, if you need to I totally get it. But try really hard not too. Unless it’s an emergency, then you can pull it out. Emergencies include (but not limited to): If there is a fire and you need to put it out with pee, if your pants catch fire because you’re a liar, if it will get you out of a parking ticket, or if you just really want to show it off.

Rule 4: If the person you’re on a date with tells you you’re wrong, even about the smallest of things, try not to focus in on that. If it becomes a problem spend the next few minutes pointing out all the things wrong with them. Those eyebrows. That jaw line. The few little hairs on her chin. See if she/he likes it. If it gets worse maybe brag about your exes sexual prowess. Stuff like, “I could never fit the whole thing in my mouth.” Or “She had a mouth that never lost suction” will really go a long way in breaking down your date.

Rule 5: If something goes wrong with the meal make a big deal out of it. Act like your world is ending. Like if you get the wrong drink or if you get fries instead of onion rings with your meal- go absolutely bananas. You require absolute perfection in everything you do. She/he needs to know this.

Rule 6: Try to bring up Hitler in any way you can. Obviously don’t praise him, as he was a bad, bad man. But try and make some references. “That waitress looks like Hitler.” Or “Can you believe they wouldn’t let me bring my own booze in here, what is this Hitler’s Germany?” This shows that you are well read on history. It’s good for your date to think you’re smart. This will help later on when you mispronounce things on the menu because you can’t read well.

Rule 7: Bring up religion as much as possible. You don’t want any awkwardness down the road as to what kind of church you’re gonna get married in. It’s best to sift through all that Jesus bullshit now.

Rule 7: Speaking of weddings, talk about weddings. What if she wants a church wedding but you won’t step foot in a church because of something you’ve been trying to forget for the past twenty years? Or even worse, what if he wants to have a private ceremony on a tropical beach but you’re not allowed back in Mexico after what you did there on spring break back in 2006? These are the kind of issues that need to be discussed. And no better time to discuss them then the first date.

Rule 8: Always take an Imodium before your first date. There’s nothing sexy about having to leave the table twice because you drank eleven IPA’s and half a bottle of scotch last night and now you’ve got real bad diarrhea again. As someone who has been battling diarrhea since 7th grade, no one knows the value of Imodium quite like I do. If it was $100 a bottle it would still be worth every penny. Little side note, isn’t it the worst when you tell someone about your diarrhea and they respond with, “Is it bad?” Yea, of course it’s bad, it’s diarrhea.

Rule 9: Don’t be afraid to check out other people. Just don’t be a creep about it. Be up front. “Did you see the ass on our waitress who definitely doesn’t look like Hitler?” Or “Did you see the wrench on our busboy? He could choke a giraffe with that thing.” These are great ways to let your date know what you like.

Rule 10: Don’t be afraid to use technology to benefit you. Say you forgot to take that Imodium and you’ve got hot snake diarrhea. Maybe send your girl/guy a little Snapchat from the bathroom. A quick “hey, thinking about you, wish me luck in here” selfie while on the can could just be what bumps you up from an over the jeans cock graze into hand job city.

If this great dating advice helps just one person get laid, my job here would have been a success.