Not all Saturdays are created equally. Armed with six bottles of champagne, a thirty pack of cheap light beer, and two handles of vodka, a few friends and I prepared ourselves for a fifteen hour drinking marathon.

The plan was to start our day off with a Fuller House marathon and champagne at noon. This left ample time for us to finish the entire first season in one shot and then jump right into UFC 196-McGregor vs Diaz. I know, two very different ends of the entertainment spectrum.

Fuller House was everything I dreamed it would be, and more. So anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong and can catch a dick. The entire cast (minus the Olsen twins obviously) did an excellent job reprising their famed late eighties- early nineties roles twenty plus years later. Not to mention, some of them are now extremely attractive.

DJ Tanner, now a super-hot veterinarian and widowed mother, is now left with the responsibility of raising her three young sons after her husband is killed in the line of duty (he’s a fireman). Stephanie Tanner, now a famous DJ, goes by the name- you guessed it- DJ Tanner. This made me laugh so hard that I cried. Boosted by my jazz cigarette and champagne, I legitimately almost wet my pants. I was reeled back into the ever thickening plot by Stephanie’s perfect hooters, which honestly, deserved an acting credit. They were flawless and evocative.

Kimmy Gibbler is exactly the same character she was before, but now she has a child of her own. Her child is the same age as DJ’s oldest child. She runs a party planning business, which if her style and overall appearance is any indicator, she exclusively throws nineties themed parties. Her husband (sort of her ex-husband, but not really) is the male version of the Sofia Vergara character on Modern Family, a super-hot person from South America that no one can understand.

The rest of the adult cast reprises their roles as well, although not as a main cast. They sort of just take turns coming back to the house to do things. Like one episode it’s Joey Gladstone- who is now a Vegas magician or comedian or some shit. One episode it’s Jesse and Becky; both of whom are now living in LA, one of them being a record executive or producer (maybe?) the other a TV show host, respectively. And then it’s Danny Tanner, who now with Becky will be hosting Wake Up America!

Yes, everyone is now extremely successful. They even made idiot Steve (DJ’s high school boyfriend who loves sandwiches) a foot doctor. Although she still hooks up with Steve, she has another love interest in Matt (I think that is his name, by this point the drugs and alcohol had really taken hold) who is also a sexy veterinarian. She dates Steve and Matt at the same time for a while before deciding to choose one, sort of. Pretty much she just uses two nice guys, but for some reason she doesn’t fuck either of them.

Stephanie ‘DJ’ Tanner and Kimmy Gibbler move into the Tanner family home now to help DJ ‘The Original DJ’ Tanner raise her family. Much like Joey and Jesse did to help widower Danny. Speaking of Danny Tanner, I much prefer this well fed version of Danny Tanner over the nineties starving looking Danny Tanner. So keep eating In-N-Out burgers Mr. Saget, the weight suits you quite well.

I may have missed some important plot points when I got up to have lunch and grab more booze. Also I think there was like a half hour where I fell asleep. Either way, it was a solid beginning to my marathon Saturday.

The rest of my night was spent drinking heavily, playing some pie face game(it’s exactly what it sounds like), and watching some of the best mixed martial arts fighters in the world beating the brakes off of each other. And just like I had hoped, Nate Diaz pulled off the upset. Stockton mother fucker!

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