The beginning of something is always exciting. Whether it’s a movie, a relationship, a sandwich, or a blowjob; it’s exciting. In this case it’s a website, which hopefully will be almost as fun as the latter two. Actually who am I kidding? Not much is better than a blowjob and a sandwich, but I’ll try my best.

So I wrote a book. It’s called Sober(ish) and it’s going to be coming out on Kindle early 2016 or very late 2015- you’ll know as soon as I do. Hopefully this website will be me documenting my way onto the New York Times Bestseller List. But more realistically it will be me dealing with whatever kind of hangover I wake up to each day. I remain optimistic though. And drunk. I’ll remain casually drunk- business drunk if you will. That will make this ordeal much easier to deal with.

Right now it’s noon on a Thursday and I’m contemplating what I want to do today. I could drink a few beers and go for a nice walk outside. But it’s raining and I don’t want to get wet. Also, I have two broken toes so that could be a bit painful. There are plenty of important things I could and should be doing right now. Like do some editing, work out, eat healthy, clean my room; I should really try getting my life in order. But I’m doing none of those things.

I went food shopping yesterday… sort of. You see I’m terrible at buying food for the week. I’m not sure why. It’s like my brain isn’t able to plan that far ahead. So whenever I go to the supermarket it’s usually for a day, maybe two at the most. As I was picking up a container of extra crunchy peanut-butter, don’t hate, I noticed that Reese’s also has their own brand of spread. Except theirs is literally a melted peanut-butter cup. Filled with chocolate and sugar. All I could picture was some unfortunate kid sitting down at the breakfast table in the morning with a fruit punched stained mustache, elastic jean shorts and a shitty haircut. If your child is eating half a jar of melted peanut-butter cup for breakfast, I promise he or she isn’t going to be president someday. Give the kid a banana and some cereal and tell him or her to fuck off, just like my parents did. The results speak for themselves… look how great I turned out.