ScotchSquatch

My man Hans Niemann is finally cleared of any wrong doing. I’m sure everyone remembers when he was accused of cheating with a vibrating butt plug. It was a huge scandal in the chess world and even made it’s way into pop culture- there’s an excellent episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia where they mock it. Not to give anything away, but it culminates with Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito) having a screaming orgasm on the floor in the middle of a chess game. Great episode. Anyway.

I suffer from the same affliction as this guy:

Where I just constantly look like there’s something up my asshole. But there isn’t. I’m just stupid and thinking about aliens or hotdogs or something. It’s just the way us idiots look. Look at any picture I’m in where I don’t know one is being taken- big idiot face guy. Or, look at one’s where I know it’s being taken and my eyes are probably fully shut. Anyway.

So my man Hans has been shamed for having a buttplug in his butt’s hole to cheat- when in reality it was probably just for fun. That’s the thing about me and guys like Hans. We might look a little out of it, but the only R word we deserve to get called is Regular. Just a coupla regular handsome guys with fun hair.

Meanwhile, he’s just a sexually adventurous guy, who should be celebrated for having the courage to shove one of the rooks up his tailpipe. My mans over here taking Castling to the next level.

I’ve got some words of encouragement for you Hans, as someone else who’s been accused of being a sexual deviant on more than one occasion. Keep fighting the good fight. Keeping doing what you think feels good. Keep your head up, your mouth slightly agape, and your eyes without life. And keep pushing. You keep on pushing and one day you can work your way up to getting all the pieces to perform a Queens Gambit up that little balloon knot.