ScotchSquatch

Pickleball is currently sweeping the nation as the number one sport for old white people, pulling some serious numbers from the fencing and tennis crowd. As of writing this, pickleball is currently number 2 on older white American’s list of hobbies, sandwiched between eating inside at Wendy’s and being upset with gay people.

So I thought to myself, as an out of shape partially white person, I should head down to the local courts to see what all the fuss is about.

Pulling into the parking lot with my windows down I was immediately met with some weird vibes. At first I thought this was because I’m 1/16 native Seminole and I wasn’t welcome. But it turns out it’s because I was smoking a joint and blasting Short People by Randy Newman. I also didn’t have the proper attire on. Which if you’re an out of shape male, it’s New Balance shoes, Nike workout shorts, and a blouse with the sleeves cut off. And for the women it’s yoga pants/shorts, a polo shirt, and a visor on that looks like something a person would wear who sends soup back for not being hot enough while dining outside in 90+ degree weather.

I saw a few bumper stickers that read “Pickleball is Life”, “Follow me to the Pickleball Courts”, “Pickleball> My Wife & Kids”– so I knew I was with the right crowd.

I stood behind the court- wanting to get a good view of these athletes at play. I spent the next two hours in a daze watching grown adults play what I can only describe as the dumbest fucking game I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It was like mini tennis, but you can’t really haul off on the ball since the court is so small. Still, I was excited to learn how to play lazy tennis. So I started talking to a guy who I assumed just played since he was sweating and really winded.

“Hey sir, how’d ya play?”

“Oh I haven’t played yet, just rode my electric bike here, hoping to play soon.

“Gotcha.”

I went back to watching people exclusively hit the ball underhand- as to not get too much speed on the ball. After a quick Google search, I learned that- that is the only way you can hit the ball, underhand. Bored with the game, I started to people watch, and what I saw fascinated me. A bunch of older people shamelessly flirting with each other. It didn’t matter who was around or what the other people looked like. These people were horny and on a mission. And that mission was to be bad at pickleball and have some sex with each other.

That’s when I noticed this advertisement hanging up:

Just as I suspected. These people were all sex perverts.

I ended up spending the rest of the day there just people watching and definitely not hoping someone would invite me over for sex.

Sorry to be the bad news bear, but if your significant other plays pickleball on a regular basis, they’re probably cheating on you.