ScotchSquatch

Well, well, well, what do we have here? Five billionaire dipshits in a Chrysler minivan sized water capsule getting lost on the bottom of the ocean? Sure do. Welcome to 2023 folks.

So five billionaires go down to the bottom of the ocean to oogle at a place where a bunch of people drowned to death, and they in turn, have most likely drowned to death. Yea, that checks out.

Listen, no one loves the movie Titanic more than I do, that’s been well documented. But I’m not jumping into a little fart coffin with four other dudes to go stare at it. Because that is stupid. I don’t see how this is any different than finding out there was just a horrifying accident, and getting in the car to go see the carnage, and then getting in an accident and dying on the way there.

If you take a pleasure tour to a mass grave, this kind of thing might just happen.

Now there are some theories as to what happened to these morons. Don’t worry we aren’t going to explore all of them, just the ones I want to make jokes about.

Theory 1, they bumped into something and it put a tiny hole in the hull, and it imploded killing everyone instantly. This is my least favorite theory as it is the least funny.

Theory 2, there was some kind of malfunction, like the $40 Game Cube controller they use to steer this thing and make it go up and down broke somehow, and they are just sitting on the bottom like a rock. Now this is my favorite to explore because it leads to a lot of fun situations.

And that is five dudes sitting on the bottom of the ocean, all staring at each other, knowing they’re going to die there.

I know, that’s incredibly morbid.

But.

At one point they all sat around doing the math. There’s 5 people, with 90 hours worth of oxygen. That means if you kill someone, the group gets a collective 18 more hours of oxygen, which is another 4.4 hours per person. Which coincidentally is enough time to watch the movie Titanic 1.25 times. This doesn’t sound like a lot- but maybe it buys them enough time for another group of Billionaires to get down there and oogle at them.

There’s also a chance that someone went full panic mode and they had to kill them. Probably the 19 year old kid if I had to guess. You see, when someone panics they use way more oxygen. So when that 19 year old virgin started scream crying because he’s gonna die-there’s a chance someone had to put him down. Might as well put his dad down too I guess. That’s an extra 6 hours of oxygen per person now. These are all estimations, I’m actually terrible at math and I’ll never double check.

Keeping on the, they’re stuck at the bottom of the ocean right now theory, it’s been a couple days. Someone surely has had to shit by now. And there’s no worse shit than a nervous shit. You can only hold it in for so long. So not it’s a diarrhea filled fart coffin.

Excellent.

So it stinks down there, it’s dark, they’re running out of oxygen, they know they aren’t going to be alive this time next week… kinda makes you wonder…

Someone’s gonna try and get one last fuck in right? I’d really hate to be the 19 year old in this situation. Because if this scenario plays out he’s about to get used like a sock by a bunch of his dads friends- I assume while his dad gets upset in the bathroom.

Theory 3, either the Colossal Squid, or some gigantic angry whale ripped that thing apart. This one’s maybe my favorite as it involves a bunch of billionaires being tossed around inside of a fart coffin by an animal they probably didn’t know existed.

Something like this:

There is some poetic justice here though I think. The guy who designed the Titanic died when it sank, as he was on board and went down with the ship. And now, the guy who designed the little fart coffin that wanted to look at the Titanic- also probably died the same way- just a whole lot less cool.

I mean, if you’re going to do something this stupid, at least take Musk and Bezos with you.