ScotchSquatch

Hey Jabronis, no- not all of you- just a real good portion of you. If you are wondering if this is for you- just ask yourself- are you a jabroni who doesn’t know how to act in public? If the answer is yes, then keep reading. If the answer is no, you can still keep reading, I’m sure you will enjoy it, I mean, it’s not like only lesbians can enjoy lesbian porn. Or so I’ve been told.

This is for the people who shake their glasses at bartenders.

The people who snap their fingers at their waiter or waitress.

The people whose minds are blown that on a holiday weekend they have to wait more than 20 minutes for their meal to arrive.

The people who BLINDY cross the road with their children as they head to the beach.

The people who see a wide open beach, and not only do they park it as close to you as possible, but they let their sex receipts feed the damn seagulls. The sky rats do not need the tail end of your Wawa sandwich- they can feed themselves. There is literally a parking lot three miles away coated in a thick layer of McDonald’s fries for them to feed on.

Come on people, do better. Be better.

A lot of you have forgotten how to be human since life in the times of COVID.

Most of it boils down to patience, and this weird need to be satisfied the exact second you want something.

Listen, no one wants a drink faster than I do, I get it. But just wait like everyone else. Or order two drinks at a time, and when your second drink gets low- you hop back in the drink line. And hopefully you’ve timed it right so that you get your next two drinks as you finish up the one in your hand. You’re welcome.

Now when it’s time for dinner or lunch, maybe get there a little before you’re so hungry you’ve become unbearable to be around. The hostesses and the waitstaff know you’re hungry or you wouldn’t be there. Don’t ask them to hurry because you’re starving. Time your meals better. You’re an adult. This is how life works. Sometimes you have to wait for things.

Take a few deep breaths.

It’s going to be OK.

I promise.

It’s a crabcake- not life saving medicine.

And I can’t believe I have to tell grown adults to look before they cross the road but here we are. Edging your way out so someone stops for you is one thing, but I, like I’m sure many other people have had to slam on their breaks to stop in time. And I’ll be honest, if I spill another coffee this summer because you walked out in front of my truck- I’m going to yell something out the window that I’m not going to be proud of later. So please don’t make me do that. There are enough lights that even on busy days you will naturally find a safe time to cross the street.

You might think this is an attack on tourists, but it’s not, plenty of people who live here year round are assholes too. This is a calling for everyone to just act a little better. Take a breath. Smoke a joint. Crack a beer.

You’re gonna be fine.

Probably.