That’s right, ya boy is goin’ floatin’.

My first thought was to swim it. But that seems like something I would have to practice for. And I’m not much of a practice guy. I’m more of a doin’ it kind of guy.

Before you doubt me, I’m a seasoned Bay Bae

I have easily ten thousand hours under my belt floating in the bay and if I’ve learned anything from inspirational Instagram memes, is that 10,000 hours makes literally anything possible.

I went to my group of friends, the brain trust, with this proposal and I was met immediately with acceptance:

“I love it. I’ll follow you in the boat.”

And then there was a pause.

“So I can film you drowning.”

Not really all that nice, but I get it, all the best people have haters. People doubt greatness all the time. Like when everyone said Dale Earnhardt’s niece Amelia couldn’t fly around the world. And while she unfortunately proved them right, she still tried her best probably. And I’m sure she made it at least mostly around the world. I’ll be honest though, I’m not fully familiar with her story. Anyway.

My friends kept trying to convince me I shouldn’t, and I rebutted all of their arguments. My one friend, who’s much older and usually wiser said this:

“For all the things you’ve stupidly underestimated, you underestimating how powerful water is- is maybe the dumbest.”

So I told him a little story:

It took water hundreds of thousands of years to make the Grand Canyon. Which is I think the biggest hole water has ever made. And great job water, it’s a big hole, I’m really proud of you.

One time I fell off my parent’s hammock and put a dent in the ground. That took me maybe half a second. So if I had one hundred thousand years, I could probably make something that big too.

I think I found my route.

So I’m going to find a friend in Beach Haven West who’s house I can start at. And from there I’m going to float and paddle my cute ass across the bay, stopping at Party Island to greet what I’m sure will be thousands of my supporters before finishing the final leg of the trip.

I know what you’re saying, this sounds stupid and dangerous.

I’m sure that’s what people told Edmund Hillary too.

I’m going to have a boat follow me, my Tenzing Norgay if you will, to move me if I get in the way of any other boats. The last thing I want to do is impede a fellow navigator.

Send me your tube recommendations, the more cup holders the better.