ScotchSquatch

It’s been a while since I’ve written about sports, so excuse me while I shake the cobwebs off a bit.

I spent the last week or so excited about the signing of Jameis Winston. Not because I think he’ll make the team better, but because I think he’s one of the funniest players in the league. Also, he just fucking heaves the ball. I want to watch him blindly throwing the ball as far as he can while Nabers and (ideally) Travis Hunter sprint to run the ball down.

I also wanted a full season of listening to his pregame speeches, with gems like this:

“The horse is preparing for battle, but victory comes from the Lord… So I’m depending on the Lord.”

and

“Remember the time you played the best football game of your life? Remember the time after that victory you went to Cici’s Pizza and celebrated with the boys? Feel that in your hearts.”

I know every time I’ve eaten Cici’s Pizza, I’ve felt it in my heart. And then later on I feel it in my stomach while crying on the toilet.

People forget that when given a full year and some decent weapons, he managed to throw for 5k yards and 30 TDs. The 30 picks aren’t ideal, but you take the good, you take the bad, and then you have the facts of life, or whatever.

It’s been only a week of having Winston and we already have this great quote:

Who doesn’t agree with wanting more giggles?

But now, the Giants have signed Russel Wilson. Sure, he’s better than Jameis Winston, but he’s about 1 percent as fun. And respectfully, he’s kind of a bitch and a try hard. I don’t want to watch him pass for 180 yards, throw three picks and then go do a press conference where he says shit like, “With the power of God I’m going to practice and be better.” You’re 36; you’re not going to get better. I too, as an old person, had to come to terms with this.

I’m not ready for the Giants to be a winning team, and I don’t think they are, either. Another top-five pick would be ideal, and I think Jameis is the perfect guy to get them there while keeping the season fun.

Giants also re-signed my man Tommy DeVito, the rigatoni jabroni, the salami slingin’ pride of North Jersey. I honestly have nothing bad to say about him. He tries his best? I think. Honestly, I don’t know.

And that is our cast of characters in the 2025 QB room.