ScotchSquatch

I was perusing Facebook this morning when I stumbled across Ol Blue Eyes concert rider and it made me think, I should make my own rider to give to all my friends. This way when I’m invited over I’ll no longer be disappointed in the items my friends provide for my entertainment.

Frankie starts off with a TV and a piano, which makes sense. Then he quickly moves to seven bottles of booze and assorted sandwiches– big respect for his egg salad choice. I can’t imagine washing two egg salad sandwiches down with some booze before I go serenade a bunch of Italians- but I guess that’s why he’s a legend and I’m just little old me.

I also appreciate him asking for a cheese board and being specific that it must include Brie. I also want Brie to be included on all future cheese boards. Six boxes of Kleenex is wild too. How much crying and masturbating can one person do?

Anyway.

So what’s on my rider you ask, well here it is:

Congratulations, Stephen Sorrentino has agreed to grace you with his presence. What an honor this must be for you. Now, to make sure Stephen has the most amount of fun possible, he asks that your domicile be stocked with these items:

1. Devilled Eggs.
2. Diet Ginger Ale. Eating too many devilled eggs gives Stephen an upset stomach, so he needs a diet ginger ale or three to calm it down.
3. Charmin-level toilet paper. After eating a dozen or so devilled eggs Stephen using your bathroom is all but guaranteed and if you don’t want him cleaning up with your monogrammed towels, you’d better have something three-ply or better.
4. Miller High Life. For sippin.
5. Single Malt Scotch. Also for sippin.
6. Shrimp Cocktail. Must be served with cocktail sauce and lemons.
7. Someone who does hibachi stuff with ice cream. Stephen once saw someone in the mall doing hibachi-level sorcery with ice cream on some kind of cold top surface. They were mixing in all sorts of fun toppings. He really enjoyed it. He’d love to have more of that in his life.
8. A nice comfy chair or lifeguard-style chair for him to sit in.
9. Remote Control Privileges. Sometimes I don’t want to watch what everyone agreed on watching. Also, I’m great with volume control.
10. Respected Bathroom Breaks. Up to 20 minutes per hour, more depending on egg consumption. There will be silence in the room as Stephen doesn’t want to miss out on any fun conversation. Plus you don’t want to miss any gems of wisdom he might have about your conversation. This also allows you to listen in on what’s going on in the bathroom.
11. A foot measuring tool, like they use in shoe stores, in case anyone wants to measure his dogs at any point.

Thank you, and Stephen looks forward to attending your event.

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That’s honestly not a bad rider for me attending your function or dinner party. All very practical.