ScotchSquatch

Ok so let’s create the scenario where this happens and what I would do.

9:05am: I board the plane first (first class obviously) and take my seat. As my ass hits the seat I’m ordering a double scotch no ice with a ginger ale side car.

9:06am: A lovely mamacita sits next to me. She’s curvy with nice naturals.

9:12am: Other people board the airplane (coach) and I make it a point to make eye contact while I take sips of my drink.

9:17am: I order another drink and ask if they have pretzels. I try and order for the mamacita, she gets a mimosá.

9:21am: Our drinks arrival, no pretzels.

9:47am: The plane takes off and I casually mention to the mamacita that I could probably fly the plane if I had too, as I once spent almost a full summer in middle school grounded and I survived by playing Microsoft flight simulator for 10 hours a day.

9:57am: I flirt with the mamacita again and I’m killing it this time.

10:05am: Light kissing.

10:24am: I ask for a blanket so we can do hand-stuff.

10:26am-10:32am: Hand-stuff.

10:35am: Sleep.

11:45am: I’m woken up to the flight attendant yelling.

11:46am: I ask, what’s going on? She replies telling me that both pilots have fainted from a breath holding contest and neither are responsive.

11:47am: I ask what their times were. She replies and I tell everyone I could have beaten that.

11:48am: I explain that I technically have flight experience and that I can land the aircraft.

11:49am: I board the cockpit and announce through the intercom system that no one needs to panic, we’re going to make it to the Orlando airport before Chilis happy hour is over.

11:51am: I communicate with air traffic control, explain the situation clearly and concisely.

11:52am: I take control while they’re talking so I can get a feel for the controls. The plane is a lot more responsive than I’m used too. It’s fine. It will just take a little getting used too.

11:54am: Autopilot is back on until it’s time for descent.

1:15pm: I ask for the tenth time if I can control the plane yet.

1:25pm: We begin our descent. I ease off the throttle and pitch the plane down three degrees.

1:55pm: I can see the landing thing. I can’t remember the name for it. That’s fine though.

2:03pm: I adjust my flaps and ease more off the throttle.

2:10pm: I ease more off the throttle as we enter the last 500 feet of our descent. I’m very cool under pressure. The ATC guy commends me on being easy to work with.

2:11pm: I ask if I can buzz the tower like in Top Gun. They laugh and say, that’s fine, they trust me.

2:17pm: I buzz the tower, and circle back for another approach.

2:36pm: I lay off the throttle as the wheels touch down, I apply the brake and reverse thrusters.

2:38pm: The plane comes to a complete stop as everyone cheers.

2:39pm: I ask the ATC if they’re still there. They say yea, and I say, I’ve got one more request.

2:42pm: The side door opens and the big fun slide comes out, and I’m first down the slide to cheer and applause.

4:46pm: I’m sitting at the Chilis bar with a plate full of riblets and a jumbo Fully Loaded Margarita.

If you’re on a plane, ever, and you notice that I’m also on the plane, just know you’re safe. Same goes for a Chilis.