ScotchSquatch

Man, Pizza Hut just does not fucking miss.

This could not be coming at a better time either as I’ve recently decided to become a wine guy and for the life of me I cannot think of a better wine to have as a favorite than a Pizza Hut tomato wine.

A spokesperson for the company said this wine “captures the essence of Pizza Hut’s signature flavors in every sip.” As someone who worked at Pizza Hut during their youth, I can honestly tell you, the essence of Pizza Hut is incredibly desired. There are few things I miss more than my local Pizza Hut (may it rest in paradise). It still blows my mind that we have a Donimoes and not a Pizza Hut. I guess it’s what I get for living in a town where people have gutter palates. If more of you cherished the Hut while it was here, maybe, just maybe, it would still be around instead of being a place to go get STD checks or whatever it is now.

Now I know what a lot of people are going to be saying:

“This wine, much like Pizza Hut, is going to make me shit my brains out.”

And to that I say:

Probably.

Don’t be afraid to chase your dreams because of failure, or shitting your pants. This isn’t Pizza Huts first time chasing greatness…

The year was 1980, and pizza was king.

A waitress at the Hut was listening to her table argue over pizza toppings. One wanted ‘roni. One meatball. One extra cheese. One light cheese and well done. One moron even wanted ham.

That waitress went to the back and thought to herself, “What if pizzas were a little smaller, so everyone could have their own, with the toppings they want and cooked how they want.”

And just like that, the personal pan pizza was born.

Now families and friends could go out for a couple slices and not have to force down ham on their pizza because their one friend is an idiot. They could have their pizza however they wanted it.

By the end of 1980, every Pizza Hut was selling individual pan pizzas.

That wasn’t Pizza Hut’s only homerun.

The year was 1995 and Slick Willy had just begun his torrid blowjob affair with Monica Lewinsky. The nation was horny for change and at the Pizza Hut lab was a person who dared to be that change.

“Our crust.” She said, “It’s been fucking boring for too long. We should fill it with something.”

“Like soup?” Someone replied. “Maybe a thick chowder?”

“No, you fucking idiot, cheese. Let’s fill it with cheese, bro.”

And just like that, the world changed for the better.

So while you may think Pizza Hut has no business fermenting its brilliant tomato sauce and calling it wine, remember the personal pan pizza. Remember the stuffed crust pizza. Remember there are people better and smarter than you at ideas.

God bless Pizza Hut.

And God bless its tomato wine.