ScotchSquatch

One of my nightly rituals, the only one I’ll discuss here, is to peruse Facebook marketplace for the weirdest items I can find and show my idiot friends. Lately, there have been some real gems, so I thought I’d share them with you folks.

These are my finds from this past week.

Let’s get into it.

What an absolute beauty. When ingenuity meets creativity, you get this piece of rideable art. Perfect for transporting your child to a custody hearing and you’ll still have plenty of room for booze on the ride back. Especially if you win, with all the extra space in the back now, you can probably get an extra 30-pack. And to think, you can have this rust-colored delight for only $200. What a bargain.

Onto the next treat:

[Chefs Kiss] Mama Mia, what a good-looking Stromboli. I don’t even want to roast this because it looks good. But imagine having to explain to your significant other that you bought a Stromboli from some guy on Facebook Marketplace. I have to imagine it would go a little something like this:

Her: “Babe, where did you order this Stromboli from?”

Me: “I bought it from a guy on Facebook Marketplace.”

Her: “No really, where did you get it from?”

Me: “A guy on Facebook Marketplace. We met up at the gas station to make the exchange. I got some scratchers for us while I was there too.”

Her: “I’m still sleeping with my boss.”

Anyway, onto the next item:

A Ferrari not Ferrari fire truck is something I have wanted basically my whole life. The Volunteer Fire Department in my town has had a stranglehold on the fire scene for far too long. I’d love to be able to throw my hat in the ring. Just me, a truck, and a hose. Maybe one of those cute black and white dogs. I can’t remember what they’re called. You know the kind of dog I’m talking about though, the one from those 101 Dalmatians movies.

I’ll tell you what, the way my anti-fire company would work, I wouldn’t wait to be called like the FD does, I’d just constantly be driving around town fire hunting. Sniffing and looking for smoke. That’s the difference between me and the Fire Department, I’m out there hunting the blaze while they wait for it to call for them.

I can’t believe there is one of these in my town. Save some babes for the rest of us. What we have here is an original, 2001 pussy magnet. Imagine yourself right now, American flag bandana in your thinning hair, white sunglasses on, cruising down the boulevard while Kid Rock’s Bawitdabaw plays on your blown-out speakers. My pants are getting tight just thinking about it.

And now, for my favorite:

Fish shit.

I’ll be honest, this should probably be more expensive, as gathering fish shit is probably no easy task.

I’m sure fish shit serves some sort of purpose, but for me, I’ll be seeing if he’ll take a fiver for it so I can loosen the cap and bounce this off the hood of the next person who cuts me off in traffic.

If you find something stupid on Facebook Marketplace, please send it my way.