ScotchSquatch

Not sure why NASA posted this online and didn’t ask me directly but I guess that’s why they’re losing the war on space to Elon Musk and the dorks at Space X.

Either way, I’m here to help serve my country and my universe, as I obviously have some excellent ideas on removing and moving the garbage in outer space.

So first of all, is there any place we as humans won’t fucking ruin? Not only have we treated this planet like a frat house for the past thousand or so years, but apparently, we’ve been doing the same thing in outer space.

So anyway, grandstanding aside, I have some great ideas, and here they are, in no particular order.

So I have to go with my gut and say can’t we just nuke the garbage? I know space is a vacuum, but I don’t know, I bet a nuke would at least move the garbage further away, hopefully in the direction of Jupiter, making room for whatever new garbage we want to send up there. Honestly, this idea sounds pretty perfect. If NASA doesn’t pick this one I’m going to need someone to explain to me why this won’t work.

OK here me out, this one is a pretty good one too. For this one, you need four rockets and a gigantic net. So you launch all four rockets at the same time, with a corner of the net connected to each rocket tip. Then you just aim them at the garbage, and this great big net will move the garbage infinitely far away. Ideally towards Jupiter.

NASA, that’s two home runs, and I’ve got one more coming. That’s three home runs.

So for this one, we launch a big flame retardant (I get to use it in this scenario) box in space. This box has a door that opens up to allow garbage in, and once the garbage is in these jets light up, burning everything inside of the box. Then when it’s done burning garbage, it can launch a little bit of ash out, that will hopefully just float off to Jupiter.

Houston, we have a solution. Three of them to be exact. NASA, Venmo or Zelle will work just fine.