ScotchSquatch

I have seen maybe 250 different snow maps for this weekends snowstorm, all very different. So as an expert in literally everything I decided to throw my hat in the ring. After studying the clouds, the sun, the moons (both ours and others) taking dirt samples, checking horoscopes, asking Jeeves, praying on it, and checking historical data, here is what I think we will be dealing with this weekend:

I can guarantee this is 100 percent accurate, way more than the dorks at the Weather Channel can promise.

Please everyone, take this seriously. We are going to absolutely get hammered with snow, maybe. It’s time to formulate a plan.

Head to your local store and buy all of the milk, bread, and eggs you could need to be potentially trapped in your house for the next month. Sure most of it might go bad, but you never know. This could be the snowstorm of all snowstorms, maybe.

Please take this seriously! The time to panic is now. Leave your manners in the parking lot. You need to treat your super market today like your on Super Market Sweep- but instead of winning $50 or whatever- it’s your families survival at stake. The vibe inside of Shop Rite is going to be Lord of The Flies-esque.

I was told by my lawyer I can’t tell you to bring a weapon with you. So that’s all I’m going to say.

Be safe, be smart, be vigilant, but most importantly, panic.