ScotchSquatch

Thanksgiving can be a high stress situation if you are hosting. Trying to time like 7 dishes you make once a year so they are all served hot sounds like a fucking nightmare. So if you’re hosting, I have no real advice for you, since I can’t imagine doing all of that drunk or stoned. So best of luck.

Now if you aren’t hosting, which I’m sure if you’re reading this you aren’t, I’ve got some great tips to make this turkey day an unforgettable one.

You’re going to want to start the day off with casually mentioning how there should be no political conversations during Thanksgiving. You’re going to want to do this a few times to a few different groups of people. This way when it’s time to drop the hammer about why everyone around you is wrong about literally everything, they will have no rebuttal prepared and you can really whoop them. You’re going to want to use terms that make you sound smart like: Fiscal Responsibility, Civic Duties, Term Limits, Debt Ceiling, Interest Rates, and The Federal Reserve.

You’re also going to have to have your beliefs about the Israel/Palestine stuff memorized with random facts you Googled about why your side is exclusively right and why the other side couldn’t be any more wrong. Don’t be afraid to make up statistics when dealing with older people who can’t use the internet all that well. Old people can’t Google as quick as you can, this is your time to shine baby.

Try and get people to argue with each other, you don’t want to be the only one getting hollered at. Make fun of your Aunt for wearing a mask during Covid and then immediately after that tell her your cousin across the table isn’t vaccinated. Ask that cousin what he thinks the government’s plan is for all of the microchips they planted. Ask random people at the table if they can believe what so and so just said. Once all of the fighting really gets rolling leave the room with the devilled egg tray and see how all of your sports bets are doing.

So now that you’ve blindsided everyone with some hot button political debates, it’s time for the cool down. Which is where you talk to everyone about stuff you all agree on, to give them a false sense of security before you drop the hammer again. Here are some easy ones:

“Can you believe how much eggs cost?”

“Did you see how much that house sold for?”

“I can’t believe it’s Thanksgiving already, before we know it we’ll all be back here celebrating Christmas.”

If there is a football game on make it a point to tell everyone how you bet on that game and how you really need this win. Get really loud when your bets start doing poorly. Don’t be afraid to scream at the TV in front of everyone. You have $25 on the line, there is no reaction too large.

Now it’s time to jump back into trying to goad a relative into saying something racist. It’s not hard, I promise. Find the guest who has had a few drinks who maybe is from a different generation and casually mention to them how you can’t believe we haven’t had a president of Latino/Latina descent. This should trigger something in them and send them off on a tirade. This is a great time to make this everyone else’s problem and move to the kids table.

Take a quick assessment there, if none of the kids seem cool or fun, fuck with them a little too. Tell them history is the best subject and people who like science are dorks. Explain to them that Santa and Mrs. Claus have been fighting and Santa is going to stay with the Easter Bunny while he gets back on his feet.

Now that the kids are upset and fighting it’s a good time to go outside and get stoned. Maybe take a lap around the block before the main course.

The main course is a great time to regurgitate some Thanksgiving facts that you memorized that morning while on the toilet.

“The reason we feel tired is because of the tryptophan in turkey. The body uses tryptophan to help make melatonin and serotonin.”

“Female turkeys don’t gobble.” They bitch. Just kidding don’t make this fact into a joke like I did. You’re trying to win the room back, remember?

“Historians have no record of a turkey being eaten on the first Thanksgiving.”

And just when you’ve won the room back with your great Thanksgiving facts, you should finish up with this one:

“European settlers are responsible for the deaths of over 50 million indigenous people.”

You’re going to really want to drive that last fact home. In an ideal world you hit people with this fact just as everyone is finishing dinner, so they have time to let the anger build up while they rest on the couch.

You can’t use this time to relax though. Sit in the bathroom with your weed pen and treat this like you’re a lawyer working on their closing arguments.

Time to break into the pumpkin pie and some harsh facts.

Start by going around the room and thanking all of the old people for destroying the economy and ruining the environment. You’re going to really want to lay into your grandparents if they are still alive. If they aren’t, the oldest people in the room will do just fine.

Casually mention how social security will run out of money by 2037 and about how you’re going to work until you die. Blame this specifically on people in the room. Demand part of their social security checks. Get a little loud if you have to.

Now it’s time to leave and not because everyone told you to. While your car warms up hop online and post those pictures of everyone fighting and wish everyone a Happy Holiday Season.

This is an easy way to make the holidays a little more exciting. Or you can just enjoy the company of your relatives and friends. Whatever you feel like doing.